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Pretzels, just 5c

8 Dec


(A hot pretzel vendor)

Vendor:               Hi there, would you like mustard or poison?

Lucy:                    Mustard, thanks

Vendor:             There you go. Next please, mustard or poison?

Jon:                     Feels like a mustard day

Vendor:            Right you are. Okey doke, next, mustard or poison?

Phil:                   What’s the difference?

Vendor:           One will kill you. That’s the poison

Phil:                  I better stick with the mustard then

Vendor:          Not a problem, here we go.

(to fellow vendor)

Vendor:         Man, the poison just isn’t moving today.

Kate:              Hi

Vendor:         Hello there, mustard or poison?

Kate:                Surprise me

Vendor:          Okey doke…there you go, take a bite of that.

Kate:                Mmmm, that’s the mustard right?

Vendor:          You got it.

Kate:              Actually, could grab another with poison? Actually….wait, better make it mustard. Your poison has oregano, right?

Vendor:       I’m afraid so

Kate:             Shame, I’m allergic

Vendor:       Oh, well then mustard is probably the safer choice, yeah. I  personally prefer the mustard anyhow.

Lost at Sea

21 Oct


(Lost on a raft out to sea)

Ralph:                                   Ok, we need to think about food, say for instance constructing a line to fish…

Skipper:                                As the captain, sworn protector of this crew, I vote we eat Ralph

Cooky:                                  Same, Ralph

Jed:                                        Ralph

Cabin Boy:                          I say, hey, why can’t we have fish AND ralph. Let’s not argue

Ralph:                                   No, let’s argue. I don’t want to get eaten

(Everyone moans)

Ralph:                                   What, what?

Jed:                                        Typical Ralph

Ralph:                                   I think that’s consistent with my character, yes

Cooky:                                  And you wonder why we want to eat you

Ralph:                                   Well, when we haven’t tried fishing yet…

Skipper:                                Look look, ok, nobody wants to eat anyone. It’s gross

Cabin Boy:                          Particularly ralph. He’s probably slimy

Skipper:                                But we have to eat someone, ok.

Ralph:                                   Why do we?

Jed:                                        Ralph, take one for the team

Ralph:                                   Doesn’t feel like a team, to be honest.

Skipper:                                Ralph, Christ, I’m not being rude

Ralph:                                   So far you have

Cooky:                                  Man, you are cranky when you’re hungry

Skipper:                                We’ve been very polite, besides trying to eat you

Ralph:                                   Not just today

Skipper:                                The whole trip, fine, apart from that we’ve bit our tongues AND your tongue, we get it, don’t even say it. The fact is, you were really only invited in case the…you know, eating someone thing came up

Ralph:                                   Me?

Skipper:                                Yeah

Ralph:                                   Not Pastry Jack?

(A man made out of bread is sitting on the raft)

Jack:                                      Hey, don’t bring me into this

Ralph:                                   Why are you here, you can’t even paddle!

Jack:                                      OH, I’M SORRY IF I MY HANDS GETTING SOGGY AND FALLING OFF DOESN’T WORRY YOU!

Skipper:                                That’s what I mean Ralph, you’re very judgmental. And ugly.

Ralph:                                   Look, there, a case of food!

Skipper:                                Don’t change the subject

(It floats by)

Ralph:                                   Well, it’s gone

Cabin Boy:                          It was probably for the best, I’ve got to be careful with my semi gluten intolerance

Jack:                                      Ralph knows about gluten intolerance.

Ralph:                                   I should have let that seagull eat you

(Begin zooming out, showing the expanse of ocean around them)

Skipper:                                Instead of trying to get us to eat it. So gross

Jed:                                        So gross. It could have had cold, anything

(Cooky opens a packet)

Cooky:                                  Anyone want a Jelly Baby?


100 to 1 Obscure Movie Scenes #31: Urban Heat II: Cold as Hell, Hot as Ice (2003)

16 Jan

(Frank (Charlton Heston, Deceased) comes home to confront his wife (Bonnie Hunt-LaBeouf) on her infidelity)

Frank: Marlene, you’ve been unfaithful

Marlene: A Merry Christmas to you too

Frank: Malerlene, the signs are all there. The toilet seats up…

Marlene: I’m getting good at aiming

Frank: ….what?? What about this half finished cake, you hate cake

Marlene: Happy birthday

Frank: It’s not my birthday

Marlene: It is now

Frank: …no…It’s…my present is half a piece of cake

Marlene: Happy birthday

Frank: I know about the other guy. There’s another car in the driveway

Marlene: Happy birthday!

Frank: There are two wet towels in the laundry

Marlene: Happy birthday

Frank: There’s a man in the cupboard

Marlene: Happy birthday

Frank: You don’t even have decent excuses

Marlene: I did, but then I got amnesia

Frank: Oh. Oh! Honey, is that why you forgot my birthday’s in March?

Marlene: No

Frank: Get out.

(Title: Urban Heat)

(The ‘II’ slams on the screen, with the sound of a chicken being crushed)

Frank:  How could she do this on my birthday? Marlene I mean. Cheat on me. Again. Damm this Urban Heat! Once more!

The Perils of Pauline [Real Name: Donna]

16 Jan

(Donna is in bed with her lover. There’s a noise down stairs)

Donna: It’s just the cat

Husband  (from downstairs): Its not the cat

Donna: My husband!  He’s never home early!

Husband (downstairs): I’ve been promoted, so I can work from home

Donna: Hmm, swings and roundabouts.

Husband: And that plastic surgery came through the mail, I look amazing!

Donna: Well, that settles it. Thank you Steven, your services are no longer required, he’s a much better catch

(they shake hands, as the Husband bursts in)

Donna: Darling, you’ve meet….your brother. This isn’t what it looks like

Husband: It looks like Steven’s tried to take advatage of you while you slept

Donna: ….it’s exactly what it looks like

Husband:: Eh?

Donna: Oh man up, he’s your little brother

Husband: With a gun

Donna: A little gun

Elderely Narrator: But old habits die in the wool, and soon Donna was off the wagon and back on the bandwagon.

(Donna is doing a sexy dance for her new lover, whose in bed. There’s a noise down stairs)

Donna: Shit! I’ve been sexy dancing for 7 hours you moron! Quick, get in the cupboard!

(he is still handcuffed to the bed)

Donna: Get under the bed then!

(he does, but his hand still sticks up the back. She puts a puppet on it)

(Husband burts into the room, passionelty kissing HIS lover)

Donna: Kurt?

(The husband freezes, but doesn’t turn)

Donna: Is that your secretary?

(Husband still hasn’t turned, and half whispers/wimpers)

Husband: If that’s my wife, tell her I’m out

Donna: Your damm right you’re out! Pack your clothes

(she throws open the clothes cupboard)

Donna: How could you do this to…

(in the cupboard is another of her lovers)

Donna: Oh. I forgot about him.

Cuboard Lover (shaken); I’ve been there for three days! Sharing an upright coffin with a skeleton!

Donna: Oh poop, I forgot about him too.

Secretery: I guess the moral is we all have our secrets, our skeletons in the closet, hey Denise.

Donna: Who’se Denise?

Husband: Oh crap.

Donna: How many lovers do you have?

Husband: How many do you?

Secretery: Does girls count?

Husband: Has EVERYONE here has slept with you Donna?!

Bed Lover: My hand’s raised, so you know.

Husband: Even the puppet, Donna

(the husband collapses on an armchair)

Armchair: Ouch

Elderly Narrator: And that’s the way it happened. I should know, I was there. Did you see me hidden in the frame. Look again. I’ll give you a clue; you can only see my penis.

100 to 1 Obscure Movie Scenes #31: Urban Heat (1987)

16 Jan

(Frank (Charlton Heston) comes home to confront his wife (Bonnie Hunt) on her infidelity)

Frank: I know you’re cheating on me Marlene. Open the closet

Marlene: You’re crazy

Frank: Open the closet!

Marlene: You know what, fine. If I’ve got a man stashed there, I’ll give you 500 bucks

Frank: Forget it

Marlene: No no, you started this

(She opens closet defiantly. There’s a man clearly there)

Marlene: Well, that was a long shot.

Frank: I’m going to a bar. Don’t bother calling.

(He leaves)

Marlene: How are you going to leave when there’s no car in that garage!

(We hear the sound of car starting)

Marlene: Damm, not my lucky day.

Lover: You said he wasn’t coming home

Marlene: I said a lot of things

A Cheating Couple Dine

16 Jan

Mistress: This restaurant…sorry, truck stop, seems…several state lines out the way. You haven’t told your wife, have you?

Bastard: Oh, no need to act silly….put this beard on

Mistress: You HAVEN’T !

Bastard: You gotta fit in with the lumberjacks

Waitress: Whatya guys ordering?

Mistress (still snarky): Yeah, umm, I’ll have…the crab sticks I suppose…

Bastard: WITH APRICOTS thanks

Mistress:: What?

Bastard:…and a rare steak. For one, because we’re not together.

(Waitress walks away)

Mistress: I’m really getting sick of…

Bastard: Look, YOU would order straight crab sticks, your character…T-Bone; he would order it with apricots

Mistress: I’m allergic to cyanogenic fruits

Bastard: I know, you could die if you ate them. Perfect right? Anyway, you better go, your taxi will be here.

Mistress: I drove

Bastard: And I towed, in case you were followed. Go on, I will be right behind you by 2 hours to avoid suspicion. Don’t bother getting naked, I’m driving passed. Go!

Mistress: (put out): One of these days, I’m telling your wife

Bastard: Good luck, I’ve murdered her so she’ll never find out about us.


Hostage! Oh No!

10 Jan

(Hostage situation)

Kyle: This is just freaking perfect Todd, you said ‘let’s go to the bank on the lunch break’ I said ‘no it’ll be packed, let’s work through lunch and go later’ but we went, and guess what? The robbers thought they’d work through they’re lunch break. And aren’t they doing a killing, hopefully not literally, It just goes to show what a little capitalist intuition goes. You moron!

Todd: Ok, ok, calm down, read your book of peace

Kyle: I…I can’t I agve it to the robbers. Maybe they want kill their hostages now

(Robbers are reading the small book)

Rob 1: Your shadow is just another you, without a face

Rob 2: Thanks Dr Phil, that really takes the edge off a hard day


Todd: Look, they asked for anything fallible, that thing like a rock to me, a calm rock. I wish it was an actual rock; I could use it as a weapon. As a rock

Kyle: When they say valuable, they mean expensive, not just important

Todd: Oh. I shouldn’t have given them your insulin then.

Kyle: No, that’s quite expensive. Good job