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Film: All the President’s Horses

18 Jan

For a better format, see https://docs.google.com/document/d/1O75yv7x8frTDIZGUs5CfYgTREeS_jXuNdMDOKksmg2E/edit?usp=drive_web

lyndon-b-johnson1

 

EXT. OPEN SKY

A Lockheed C-130 Hercules cuts across the sky so blue,
somewhere over the Atlantic ocean

INT. COCKPIT

Three military pilots are in command. They are dressed in
white shirts, ties, sparkling silver wing lapels. CAPTAIN
FRENCH confidently leans into his headset.

FRENCH
Roger roger radio base, this is
Skybird Alpha coming into American
airspace with package secure.

RADIO BASE
Confirm delivery was conducted
without incident

FRENCH
It sure was, and will no doubt
remain. Over and out. For now, not
like I’m going to die.

He hangs up, or whatever. Through the curtain comes an AIR
HOSTESS, wheeling a serving trolley.

HOSTESS
OK, you both ordered chicken
so…oh, there’s three of you

The three pilots look at each other with sudden alarm. One
of them reaches for an EXPLOSIVE in his shoe, but he already
has LT KANE’s pistol in his face.

KANE
Drop it, impostor

He does, and is carted away

FRENCH
Good job, Kane. It’s people like
that …. oooh that make me so mad.
When I deliver this package to the
president, I will tell him of your
bravery

KANE
Tell him yourself

FRENCH
I…I intend to, I just said…

He is shot cleanly by Kane. The air hostess begins to
scream, but Kane cleanly kicks her out of an airlock.

Kane removes his mustache, and is revealed to be PRESIDENT
TAFT. He gets out a HANDKERCHIEF, and starts to wipe his
hands. He then begins to wipe the hugely blood splattered
cockpit, with a few  squirts of Spray N Wipe.

INT. THE HALLS OF THE WHITE HOUSE

CHYRON: THE WHITE HOUSE

A Washington UNDERLING is running past groups of tourists,
till he reaches a painting flanked by imposing guards in
shades. His retina is scanned by grapes in the painted bowl
of fruit, and he is let into…

INT. THE REAL PENTAGON

CHYRON: THE SECRET PENTAGON

A nerve center of American intelligence, The Pentagon, is
hidden within the walls of the White House. All around are
agents and company men typing up reports, speaking hurriedly
into phones, looking at giant monitors of the earth,
wheeling gurneys with gray 50’s aliens on them, generally
just running the world.

The underling keeps running to he finds a smartly dressed,
heavily decorated greying FBI director COMMANDER JACOB EARL
SHARD walking with purpose, eating a plate of saucy ribbon
pasta.

UNDERLING
Mr Director, sir

SHARD
Make it quick, I have to eat my
lunch on the go. What do you have
for me?

UNDERLING
It’s about the Argentine shipment
sir. It’s gone missing.

SHARD
Missing? How?

He is handed a manila folder, and begins thumbing through
it. Pasta sauce drips on it, he brushes it aside.

UNDERLING
The transport was high-jacked.
Mile-high jacked, to use the
military jargon. The entire plane
and all its contents just up and
vanished.

SHARD
Have any demands been issued? Does
the president need to make a
statement?

UNDERLING
He has has already sent one. Mr
Director, we believe he is behind
the action. We believe the
president has gone rouge.

Shard turns around incredulously. Shard runs through some
doors

INT. OVAL OFFICE

Shard bursts in. Instead of the president at the desk,there
is a crude manikin, with ‘da president’ sign taped on. Not
even taped well.

SHARD
Poop

INT. THE REAL PENTAGON

Underling is standing, waiting. He looks around, gets out
some coins from his pocket, and puts it in a vending
machine.

Shard whizzes back past

SHARD
Follow

Underling has to leave his snack, and money, and follow
Shard.

SHARD
From this point on, the country is
orange alert. That means this stays
out of the papers, but I want a
coast to coast LA to Chicago
search. I want you to check every
poll booth, every hall of
presidents, every god damn penny
for that slippery bastard. And I
want this briefing folder to have
all sorts of red stamps on it, like
‘top secret’ and ‘whoa big deal’.
Maybe make it a snappier color,
like …. red, I guess, although it
might obscure the stamps, I’m spit
balling her, just make it happen.

Underling is writing furiously

UNDERLING
Orange…alert. Okay. But I have my
doubts he’s state side, sir.

SHARD
And why the hell not?

UNDERLING
Well, he does now have a hijacked
plane. Also, our sources say…

SHARD
What sources?

UNDERLING
Well, Kyle up there

Kyle waves from his information gathering console

UNDERLING
Kyle thinks that he may sell to the
Russians.

SHARD
Why?

UNDERLING
Why the hell not?

SHARD
Lots of reasons, too many to name.
Why, though?

UNDERLING
He’s the president. Who’s gonna
stop him?

SHARD
Hmm

Shard looks introspective and dramatic

SHARD
I believe its time to start
fighting fire with fire. Or rather,
president with president

UNDERLING
I don’t get it

KYLE
I do

EXT. DEEP IN THE HEART OF THE ARCTIC JUNGLE
chyron: deep in the heart of the arctic jungle

A single cautiousness sure-footed MARMOSET peeks out from a
snow-covered leafy thrush. He scurries down a tree trunk
and, checking the coast, scamper-leaps onto a branch.

A branch which is actually the antler of a big, dump,
chewing moose. The moose doesn’t flinch for nothing.
the moose goes out of focus as an arrow tip aimed point
black comes into focus.

The moose still looks dumb
CLOSE UP: the arrow is carefully pulled back, poised to fire

The moose remains dumb. For a good while.

From the bushes, a crouching Siberian Tiger is revealed, and
with predatory strike pounces through the air to the moose.

The arrow flies, pinning the tiger perfectly.

The moose still looks dumb and nonreactive.

From another set of bushes rise the archer. LYNDON P
JOHNSON, a tightly muscled Adonis hero of a man. He is
shirtless, but with a shoulder-belt of knives and powders,
and a thick fur pelt on his mighty back. He has a scowl,
close-cropped ice-blond hair and a navel length Nordic
diamond shaped beard to match. He is also drinking a cola.

He strides to the arrow in the tree, and places a palm on
its trunk

JOHNSTON
Forgive me mighty redwood, for my
arrow splitting your bark. I mean
no harm for you or your kind, and
will return every dawn break to aid
in your healing.

He removes the arrow, kisses his palm and placing it on the
tree, and then ripping the head off the tiger.

INT. JUNGLE MAN CAVE

Johnson enters his den, and dumps the tiger corpse by the
door way. He goes to his jungle fridge, and takes a swig of
jungle milk [a carton of semen]. His shoulder tattoo of the
reverse of the Great Seal of the United States glistens with
sweat. He freezes. Something isn’t right. He draws his knife
from his beard, still milky.

He carefully pads the room, before straightening up.

JOHNSTON
Director Shard. What brings you and
your closest security force to my
little old awesome lair.

The fire torchs flick on like lights, the flames revealing
heavy rifled men surrounding Johnson with laser sights.

SHARD
Your country needs your help.

JOHNSTON
I’m not a president anymore bud,
I’ve done my time. Now, just leave
me with my exotic cats.

SHARD
Once a president….always a
president. Mr President.

JOHNSTON
I said no, director.

Shard rubs his eyes

SHARD
OK, you’ve forced my hand.

He gestures to a lackey, who places a portable television on
the table. Turning it on, we see grainy camera footage of a
family having a picnic

SHARD
Think hard. You may recognize this
family, as your own.

JOHNSTON
My wife Moira! The kids! Our little
dog Puddles!

SHARD
That’s right…

JOHNSTON
Keep the family if you must, just
leave Puddles alone!

SHARD
…ok

JOHNSTON
He doesn’t mean to be racist, he’s
an old dog! You can’t teach an old
dog new words for Italians!

SHARD
Great, I’m Do this job, and I
promise no harm will come to them

JOHNSTON
Ever?

SHARD
…sure, forever and evers.

JOHNSTON
OK you son of a bitch.

He rips his beard clean off. Clean off!

JOHNSTON
You got yourself a president.

INT. RUSSIAN MAFIA WAREHOUSE HANGER

The plane is being taxied into the hanger, full of scary
looking Russian mob guys

INT. FIRST CLASS

A HOLIDAYMAKER is looking out the window nervously.

HOLIDAYMAKER
Well now I’m for sure sure this
aint Dallas.

GOOFY HAT WOMAN
Yeah, what the blue wazoo is going
on here?

Two square-jawed clean cut patrons nod at each other, and
stand up abruptly revealing plaster weaponry, and pulling
off their old lady disguise floral sun hats.

They man handle, yell, hit and intimidate the passengers
into order.

Out of the cockpit walks Taft, now dressed in a stunning
navy suit. He is muscular but tailored, completely self
assured, his hair is flecked with grey like his eyes. He
picks up a aircraft PA mic. His voice is mid-atlantic
authoritative, like Kelsey Grammar.

TAFT V/O
Attention everyone, this is not
your captain speaking. Myself and
some mercenaries have taken over
this airline with plaster models of
real working guns. We are coming
into a mafia warehouse where you
will be held hostage, but
considering we haven’t had any
pilots for a while now, we’re all
lucky to be here at all.

INT. RUSSIAN MAFIA WAREHOUSE HANGER

Taft comes off the plane steps, where he meets a fat bearded
Russian mafia spokesman

SPOKESMAN
Welcome Mr  American president to
the former headquarters of the
soviet canned water industry.
Vinimistok. My name is …

SPOKESMAN
Please, no  names. I can’ remember
them. Do you have the item?

TAFT
Do you have my money?

SPOKESMAN
Yes, I checked before we left.
Keys, money, gun every time I walk
out the door.

TAFT
… Could I have it please?

SPOKESMAN
Yep, sure.

The spokesman looks at a beefy off-sider, who nods and
clicks open a briefcase, taking out a check.

SPOKESMAN
Here you go. Now please, hand me
the item

TAFT
what is this?

SPOKESMAN
Your payment, as agreed. Please,
the item, we’re in a rush

TAFT
Do you have it in cash?

SPOKESMAN
….no, it’s 180 million dollars,
I’m not carrying …that’s a silly
amount of money.

TAFT
Well what, I’m going to walk into a
bank, as a wanted president, with a
god damn IOU from the Russian mob!

SPOKESMAN
That’s so much cargo, though, you’d
need a U-Haul or…

TAFT
Yeah, I bought a jumbo jet!

SPOKESMAN
Well pardon me! I’ve got like three
guys

Taft SHOOTS one of them. The HEAVY’s body slumps

TAFT
Now you’ve got two guys

SPOKESMAN
…maybe we could have a whip
around, see what cash we have on
us.

TAFT
Look, forget it, I’ll take my
business elsewhere

SPOKESMAN
Oh no, don’t be like that

TAFT
No, no, you’ve blown it now

SPOKESMAN
Do you want me to throw in the
briefcase?

TAFT
Huh? I assumed that was part of the
package deal

SPOKESMAN
Normally we put our money in a
plastic bag

TAFT
Lordy lord

Taft is shepherding his crack team back on the plane. He
turns back to scold them

TAFT
Not happy guys. Real amateur hour.

The airplane door slams shut.

cut to

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE

A STEWARDESS brings a vodka to Johnston. She offers Shard
the same, but he just waves her off.

JOHNSTON
Nice digs. It’s not Air Force One,
but…

SHARD
You’re probably wondering why I’ve
brought you here

JOHNSTON
No, no I get it. This aint my first
rodeo. Plus, you explained quite a
bit in the duty free.

SHARD
Well, we’ve knocked you up a
dossier, just in case. No thank
you, Carol, thanks.

Carol is still trying to give him a drink. Shard is handed a
thick MANILA FOLDER by Underling, and flops it on the
aircraft table.

It contains classified official looking reports, and a
schematic of a plane

SHARD V/O
Last night, the passengers on the
all-first class Divided Airline
flight 316 from Dallas to Madrid
back to Dallas were unaware their
luggage was jettisoned to make room
for top secret super weapon The
DiGiorno Device.

A picture of the DIGIORNO DEVICE, with classified stamps all
over them.

SHARD V/O
The device was scheduled to be
delivered at 0300 hours. That did
not happen. The entire aircraft has
disappeared like a magician’s sense
of shame. It wasn’t until 0700 that
our stationary satellite
surveillance of the cold mob
captured to these stills of an
airplane being sledded by huskies.

Gray scale aerial photos of aircraft.

JOHNSTON
I promise I know this

SHARD
Shush. No THANK YOU Carol. Ahem, as
of this minute, we do not know the
location of the jumbo. Our guess is
it may be disguised as a Luck of
the Irish float.

A plastic float disguise is placed over the aircraft
schematic.

SHARD V/O
What we do know, is the
perpetrator.

Several military head shots and surveillance photos of Taft
are dramatically turned over

SHARD V/O
William Howard Taft aka President
Taft aka Taft the Butcher.

JOHNSTON
You’re kidding me.

SHARD
I never kid. Ask anyone.

UNDERLING
He is not fun at parties

SHARD
A real buzzkill. Which is why when
I say Taft is formidable, I hope
you understand me. Taft was a born
leader, his parents are two of our
most decorated presidents, he aced
every subject, shook every hand,
was the top of his year at Harvard
School of Yale. I believe you were
number two, correct?

JOHNSTON
Is that why you brought me in?
Because of my history with Taft,
you think I can seduce him?

SHARD
….no, not…necessarily that. We
need someone with guts and a gun.
Someone who can think like him, be
him, to anticipate his next move.

JOHNSTON
I’m gonna need a equipment.
Weapons. Food. And a team.

JOHNSTON
Well that’s good to hear, because
I’ve got your co-commander right
here. Lt Taipan?

A smartly JAG-uniformed Sandra-Bullock type, played by
Sandra Bullock, steps through automatic doors. Looks right
at Johnston, and hands him another dossier.

JOHNSTON
Oh, right, for a second there I …

Inside the dossier is photos of Lt Taipan, looking almost
identical as she does now.

JOHNSTON
Oh.

SHARD
Lt Taipan here has an almost 100%
success rate,and graduated first
from the academy. You came second,
I believe.

TAIPAN
It’s a pleasure to work with you,
sir.

JOHNSTON
No offense lady, but my team is
hand crafted, and I’ve flown enough
missions to know that there’s a big
difference between the academy and
the mean streets. The mean streets
smell for one. Which reminds me. we
need to make a quick pit stop.

EXT. THE MEAN STREETS
CHRYON: the mean streets. 1:32pm

A gang of dwarf-masked bank robbers round a corner on foot,
bags bulging and shot guns a-waving.
low shot, rising up on a uniformed leg in the foreground,
with them coming to a stop in the background.

Traffic cop JUSTICE ST SMASH eyes them off. They brandish
their guns

GRUMPY
Move it, pig, or lose your face!

SMASH
Now now boys, I don’t think that
money belongs to you.

GRUMPY
Get him, fellas!

They all rush him, for some reason. He is a kung-fu genius,
deflecting, weaving, striking, using Doc’s weight against
Sneezy.

SMASH
This will make you Sleepy!
This will make you Dopey.
I’ll bash you, Bashful.
Oh, back for another round Dopey,
well this isn’t a kiss from Snow
White, its a kick from … me.

Everyone is all subdued and stuff. Smash holds the leaders
shotgun over his shoulder like a hero. He blows out the
non-existent smoke from the end. He then shoots all the
robbers point blank.

The sound of aircraft engines makes him pause, as he looks
up at see’s the private jet descending like a helicopter,
somehow. Johnston hangs out the side

JOHNSTON
Save some for me, Smash

SMASH
Are we back?

JOHNSTON
Oh, we’re back baby.

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE
Text: 1:33pm

SMASH
Nice plane. It’t hardly NYPD
standard issue though. I mean, we
fought Godzilla once.

JOHNSTON
I’ll like you to meet my second in
command, Baracus St Smash.

TAIPAN
Lovely to meet …

JOHNSTON
Not you.

SHARD
Well, anyone who has fought
Godzilla is a good addition to the
team. We are going to drop you into
europe, to go after rouge
president…

JOHNSTON
Hang on chief, before we do that,
we just need to make a quick pit
stop

SHARD
That’s what you said last…

INT. PRISON CORRIDOR
chyron: san remo prison for criminals. 3:07pm
handcuffed hand shot

A prisoner is being walked down a baying corridor of
convicts.

JOHNSTON V/O
He was put away for a crime he
didn’t commit, plus a whole bunch
of worse ones he did.

The prisoner is looking right down the lens of the camera.
He looks up at other convicts, and puts his handcuffed
finger to his lips. They all shush.

He is lead away

INT. PAROL HEARING

The prisoner is now in a wooden chair in the middle of an
empty room, his parole board before him.

PAROLE HEARER
Philionous Sour Dickbone, I am
willing to grant parole, so you can
attend your daughter’s birthday. If
you can exhibit signs of restraint,
I will recommend your sentence be
deemed served and you will be free
to..

DICKBONE
Fuck you, I kill you!

He tries to get up from his chained chair, and strangle him.
He is subdued, and tries again. He is subdued once again. He
pathetically tries to strangle him again again, this time
with is arms pinned and his hands just waggling from beneath
the restraints. He makes plenty of effort noises.

PAROLE HEARER
Do you think you are ready to
re-enter society?

DICKBONE
No, if I’m honest

JOHNSTON V/O
Well, if that’s the way you feel

Johnston is at the door way, swinging his keys around

DICKBONE
It’s on?

JOHNSTON
Come on big guy, lets bounce

Dickbone stands up, and breaks his handcuffs in two. He just
strolls out. He then comes back, lunging at the parole
hearer

DICKBONE
I’ll kill you, pal, you’re dead all
the way.

He is held and dragged away by friends

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE

DICKBONE
Hey, nice plane. I mean, it’s no
solitary prison cell, but … eh.

EXT. GAUDY SPANISH STYLE ITALIAN VILLA

A jumbo jet is slowly being backed up slowly. It hits a
statue.

INT. GAUDY VILLA STUDY

Inside, Taft is sitting impatiently in a sinking
white-leather claw-footed armchair.

Before him, a toad-like mafia don SCARFACEARONI fans himself
flanked behind a desk, flanked by greasy guys in white tank
tops

SCARFACEARONI
So, you come here, on the day of
the Cleveland Show season-a finale,
and ask for 180 million dollars>

TAFT
It’s not a favor, if you don’t want
to buy I will take my leave.

He goes to get up. It’s hard in a deep chair.

SCARFACEARONI
Well, we could use a good Italian
DiGiorno Device.

He nods to his grease ball offsideR, who turns over a
oil-portrait of Frank Sinatra to reveal a safe. Inside is
another briefcase, which brings out and opens. Inside that
is a control, which opens the wall. Behind that of hundreds
of briefcases.

SCARFACEARONI
180 of your American dollars,
because you couldn’t be a-bothered
to exchange it yourself

TAFT
I told you, I can’t just waltz into
a bank….

SCARFACEARONI
You know what, now that I think
about it, I’d quite like to keep
this money. How about-a I just kill
you right now, with this-a here
golden pistol

He lazily pulls out a gold gun from his fluffy lap cat.

SCARFACEARONI
Say hello to your nona for me, in
heaven, capish

He pulls the tricky, nothing happens

TAFT
How utterly predictable. You think
I’d be so stupid to leave bullets
in your little pistol

SCARFACEARONI
I’m not quite-a sure how you
managed that, but bravo. Tony, give
him a a big plate of rigatoni, with
extra DEATH

He tries to shoot the gun again

SCARFACEARONI
All the bullets huh

TAFT
Yep.

SCARFACEARONI
It was worth a …a…urgh

GREASEBALL
Boss?

Scarfacearoni starts to splutter and choke. Taft just
watches

TAFT
You think I’d be so stupid not to
hand-poison your favorite gun.

SCARFACEARONI
Fool…your surrounded….alisimo

TAFT
You think I’d be so stupid not to
have my men kill your men. Oh,
wait.

He talks into his sleeve

TAFT
Black Wolf Three, could you get my
men to kill the guards. Slipped my
mind.

The grease balls, enraged, draw their guns

TAFT
Come on fellas, think it through.

They both collapse spluttering too. Johnston stands,
readjusts his suit, and exits.

cut to

EXT. VILLA COURTYARD

Taft marches down the way, as all around him guards are
being neck twisted and flung off rooftops and such by his
men.

TAFT
Black Wolf One

The square jawed mercenary from the plane is at his side

TAFT
Have Zeta Unit load the money. We
have the cash, and we have the
device: looks like Cinderella got a
ticket to the ball. Girls, let’s go
shopping.

A greaseball falls right before him, with a squish.

TAFT
Eww.

INT. THE LUCKY BUCK ROADSIDE DINER

Johnston goes up to the counter

SHARD
Look guys, I have other jobs to do,
do I have to be here?

JOHNSTON
Just trust me, ok. This guy has
killed more people than…well more
people than average.

Johnston talks to jaded older waitress DOT

DOT
You boys ordering, or just enjoying
the view.

JOHNSTON
I was looking for your ex-Green
Beret fry cook

DOT
I dunno, kid

JOHNSTON
Tall, rakish, got a scar from a
great white across his left eye.

DOT
Oh you mean Brick House. Yeah, he’s
around

JOHNSTON
I don’t see him

DOT
But he see’s you.

The desk phone rings
an extreme tense close-up of the phone

DOT
All yours

Johnston picks up the phone

JOHNSTON
How ya doing, Lorenze.

HOUSE
Never better. Are we on?

JOHNSTON
Are you in?

A coffee mug is shot from his hand.
zoom out

We see Johnston in the cross hair of a rifle, several miles
away.

HOUSE
Does that answer you’re question?

JOHNSTON
Not completely, no.

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE BRIEFING ROOM

Shard is at the head of the table. Carol tries to give him a
drink.

SHARD
I swear Carol, I will punch you.
OK boys, and lady Taipan hello,
you’re all here because you’re the
best, apparently.

Johnston is sitting at the other end, cowboy boots on the
table, throwing and catching a tennis ball off the roof

JOHNSTON
Every one of these guys has saved
my life, or is a nephew I’m doing a
favour for.

TODD
Hi everyone, thanks.

JOHNSTON
Take Dickbone here

TODD
Oh, we’re done talking about me?

JOHNSTON
Dickbone and I go way back.

INT. DUSTY PRISON CORRIDOR
chyron: Mexican grande security prison, 1976

President Johnston is being lead in chains, and a muzzle.

WARDEN
Dead president walking.

HOOCHIE
Wait!

A Hispanic hottie runs over, and starts to french/Mexican
kiss him

WARDEN
Ma’am, you can’t really just wonder
the prison halls

The kiss ends. A line of saliva still connects them.

HOOCHIE
Wait for me

JOHNSTON
For you, its a hard maybe.

He walks away. We see in his teeth is a hand-cuff key.

From the other direction comes Dickbone. They make eye
contact, give a slight nod, and then begin to make-out also.
Neither is enjoying it a bunch.

Dickbone walks away, key in mouth. He then accidentally
swallows it, and looks worried

cut to

EXT. MEXICAN PRISON

Guards surround the place, unwavering.

One of them feels some dust go down his neck, he looks up
and WHOOSH and giantly complicated air-balloon/pipe dinosaur
takes off from the roof, piloting by the two fugitives.

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE BRIEFING ROOM

JOHNSTON
…what’s more, if he didn’t
naturally attract sharks, I may be
dead again when we crash landed!

DICKBONE
Yep, I sure took a lot of bites

SHARD
Very nice Johnston. Now, please,
Taipan has created a audio-visual
presentation for your mission.

TAIPAN
Thank you. We begin…

Taipan is bonked on the head by a

JOHNSTON
Look bud, we don’t need you
dossiers or plan or safety
instructions, you brought us in
because we kick ass like it’s our
job, which it is. Now, I can tell
you exactly where Taft will be.
Where would YOU be if you had a
bomb to sell, and a freaking
airplane to do it from?

EXT. CLOUD CASTLE

The private plane jets on the runway into the mouth of a
floating castle, hidden in the clouds and coloured purple
and sparkly.
Chyron: Cloud Castle illegal arms bazaar

INT. CLOUD CASTLE SHOWROOM.

Within the castle walls are a great arms trade show, with
machine guns and rockets and clone troopers on sale. Every
manner of villian populate the marketplace. Two KGB looking
people in snow hats haggle over a table of grenades. A husky
shirtless man picks up a sabre, and throws it into a target.
He does the same with a rifle. He buys both.

The gang put on sunglasses, because its all deserty for some
reason. Maybe we’re closer to the sun.

JOHNSTON
Alright boys, stuff you Taipan,
split up. If anyone spots Taft,
send up a flare. If you don’t have
a flare, buy a flare. Ok, hands in

They put their hands in. Taipan’s hand is slapped away

ALL
1, 2, team!

CRANE SHOT of them going four ways. In the rafters above,
they are watched by a mysterious figure

In a different part of the market, an auction is underway. A
auctioneer ninja throws down a smoke ball, making the next
item appear

AUCTIONEER
This industrial drill can cut
through a solid safe in under 9
seconds, and more than 5 seconds.
We begin the bid at 30 000
smakeroonies?

A wild haired lab coat wearer raises a hand

AUCTIONEER
We’ve got 30, do I hear 35?

A monocle wearing toff raises his

AUCTIONEER
34…36, can I get higher?

TAFT
An even 40.

JOHNSTON
How about…one million dollars!

The crowd gasps and let him pass through, right up to Taft.

TAFT
Johnston!

JOHNSTON
Johnston

AUCTIONEER
Sold to Mr Johnston for a million
dollars then

JOHNSTON
No…no i was just making an
entrance

AUCTIONEER
Are you sure? The proceeds go
charity.

JOHNSTON
Well, that’s surprisingly nice of
you guys

AUCTIONEER
Oh we have all sorts of things.
There’s a bake sale coming…

JOHNSTON
Oh, sorry, my guy’s getting away

INT. CLOUD CASTLE SHOWROOM.

Johnston gives foot chase through the crowded streets
music: The Vaccines – Wreckin’ Bar (Ra Ra Ra)

Rerecorded for the movie soundtrack, with more lyrics about
the president running.

They parkour over, under and through stalls, people,
missiles, ladies with prams, guys carrying planks of wood,
and hurdles themselves.

Johnston grabs a feather-covered spear from a stall, throws
it and just manages to snag Taft’s trousers to a wall. Taft
is pinned, and they banter as they fight with close combat
tai-bo

TAFT
So, Johnston, here’s me thinking
you’d hang your head in shame when
you were voted out.

JOHNSTON
Oh yeah? Shut up.

TAFT
Again, I’m clearly the more
dignified one.

He escapes from his pajama bottoms, leaving them behind and
booking off half naked.

Johnston lets off his flare. It bounces off the walls and
probably sets someone on fire.

Taft sets of his different coloured flare. His resembles the
Dark Mark.

INT. ELSEWHERE ON CLOUD CASTLE SHOWROOM.

SFX: Gentle chatter, peaceful

Both teams are shopping, when they see each of their flares
go up.

RACK FOCUS reveals how close they are in proximity.
music: The Vaccines – Wreckin’ Bar (Ra Ra Ra)

They fight and run and fight and run.

A group of heavies try to take down Smash with sticks, fists
and American Gladiator wiffle bats. He defends, cuts,
parries, leaps of weapons, survives with ease.

Meanwhile, Taipan is chased in an alley surrounded by
scaffolding. Heavies race to surround her from all sides,
vertical and horizontal. She shoots one, then another higher
up, does a flip, then shoots another. Heavies swarm behind
her, as she is backed to a corner. She looks coy

TAIPAN
Hiya boys

She presses a remote detonator behind her back

ONE HEAVY
Hello!

The heavies all explode in fire and dust. She cuts a rope
and is propelled vertically on it.

Elsewhere, House boot-slams a guy into another guy into a
pile of knives, and runs past a booth. He doubles back

HOUSE
Well hello gorgeous

Meanwhile, Dickbone is standing in a open area yelling at
heavies scaring them away. Occasionally he rips one of their
heads off if they get too close. Whoops, just ripped another
guys head off.

Elsewhere, Smash is avoiding heavies with bowie and throwing
knives. He is kicking some away, and using others for
running up walls, but he then spots a LADY carrying freshly
cooked pile of landmines, who is unaware she is about walk
into the line of fire. He picks up a block of wood, and
shields her with it, moving it at all angles stop each
thrown knife. Not does he let a single land mine drop,
despite many misses. He bonks a baddie on the head with the
wood, kicks another’s jaw off, and then takes the womans
hand, escape up some curtains onto a stall. She is very
grateful, and hugs him. He is about to say something after
they do so, when a knife comes hurtling at his head. They
both catch it, hands interlocked, and they look both gaze
into each others eyes. She throws the knife into the
baddie’s eye, and they share a passionate kiss as the
baddie’s screams continue.

Meanwhile, Taipan is nimbly running across the scaffolding,
gun cocked. She spots Johnston and Taft, now locked in a
deadly shirtless mano-on-mano fencing battle. Before she can
take her shot, she is punched hard by a particulary big
heavy, Black Wolf One. Black Wolf One kicks Taipan’s gun
away (in lands in a bowl of stew, which the chef once his
back has turned tries with a triple take spite take phwoar
reaction). Black Wolf One looks like he’s going to enjoy
this. He is not.

An explosion rocks the scaffolding, knocking Black Wolf One
right over. Taipan leaps up, and points her boot-gun at him.
Before she can decide whether to fire, she sees another
fireball heading towards her, and leaps to avoid it. The
explosion hits Black Wolf One too, and falls on a pipe
scaffolding with a comical bo-oing.

BLACK WOLF ONE
(operatic high note)

He slowly comically slides off…onto a huge spike. The
spike bloodily goes right up his balls and guts. His scream
is much more extreme now.

As the scaffolding collapses, Taipan leaps from one bit to
another, as they fall. She lands in a forward roll, and
stand with her gun at the ready.

The fireballs are coming from House in a big old tank. He
picks up Taipan, as half a dozen baddies come at them in
jetpacks. House begins blasting them out the sky.

HOUSE
You know what they say

He blasts another

HOUSE
House always wins!

Taipan doesn’t laugh

HOUSE
You don’t get it

TAIPAN
Not really. Are you House?

HOUSE
…yeah

TAIPAN
See, I didn’t know that

HOUSE
Oh, well, now you do, so

Taipan thinks about, and then starts laughing and laughing.

HOUSE
Hahaha, now, time for this House to
go Home. I mean…lets find the
others

They drive over many many stalls. Smash and his ninja lady
friend leap onto the tank. They came across Dickbone, who
has a hitchhiking thumb and a bunch of heads. They make him
leave the heads. He is disappointed. Disappointed enough to
kill? No.

EXT. CLOUD CASTLE

They break through a wall in the tank, just in time to see
the jumbo jet taking off. House goes to fire on the plane,
but Taipan stops him.

TAIPAN
No! We need the DiGirono device
back intact! Plus, Johnston is on
the wing!

Sure enough, Johnston is on the wing, trying to break in
with his fists. He is doing a good job, getting some dents
in. Inside the real passengers are looking out, very
concerned. Some are trying to shoo him away. Johnston’s
fists get slower and slower, as he blacks out and slumps,
falling off the plane through the air

He team spot him

DICKBONE
Quick, fire me up there!

They do, and the tank spits him hurtling through the air
towards Johnston, catching him

JOHNSTON
We…need…to….

DICKBONE
Shh…you’re safe now, old friend.
Your safe now

slow cut to

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE BRIEFING ROOM
CLOSE UP: johnston’s eyes flutter open

He is seated in his briefing chair, redressed. The others
are about to start a brief

SHARD
We thought you would want to be in
the meeting, even if you were dead
or whatever.

JOHNSTON
Quick, we need to follow Taft’s
plane!

SHARD
Already on it. You were muttering
in your sleep, which turned out to
be a whole mapped out plan. Which I
put in these dossiers!

Johnston takes a look at them

JOHNSTON
I couldn’t have planned it better
myself. Let’s move on Operation
Smash Up His Plane Turkey No No No.
Hmm, I might have also had a bit of
a dream in there…

INT. FIRST CLASS

Innocent passengers are looking very frazzled

BUSINESSMAN
Holy crapola, we’ve been here for
nine days! I’m sick of peanuts, and
the in-flight movie!

SCHLUBBY GUY
I actually think Owen Wilson never
gets old, but I get your point!

BESPECTACLED LADY
I took this flight to confront my
fear of flying, and now I’m just
scared of rifle-death!

A square jawed guard jabs him with a machine gun barrel

BLACK WOLF EIGHT
Shh! Jack Black is making a cameo!

The guard puts back on his headphones, and starts laughing.
Unseen, his plane window is hit with a black sticky goo. All
along the plane, the window are blacked with the stuff.
Other, more observant guards are concerned, and bark orders
to each other as they run down the aisles.

EXT. OPEN SKY

Our private plane, now completely decked out in new
weaponry, swoops by pirate like. House is firing his goo-gun
from a rigging on the side. He has a walkie-talkie headset

HOUSE
Left side disabled, proceed with
flank!

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE

The team smash the plane windows, sticking out machine guns
and firing at the jumbo. They barrel roll over it for
maximum coverage. One of the jumbos engines, now hit, starts
to flame and flail

INT. COCKPIT

HEAVY PILOT
Flank engine has failed, sir, and
port is suffering.

TAFT
You fail me

He shoots the pilot through the shoulder

HEAVY PILOT
AAARGH. Oh, dude, you hit the
controls! That’s not helping.

TAFT
Blah blah blah, does this heap of
junk have any weapons?

HEAVY PILOT
It’s a commerical plane, it only
has dart guns, and they’re for
emergencies! The outer engines just
got shot out

TAFT
Dammit!

HEAVY PILOT
We just came from a weapons show,
you couldn’t grab a few…

TAFT
Uh, hello, we were a little busy
being attacked!

HEAVY PILOT
The other guys had time enough…

TAFT
You are in a super snarky mood
today

HEAVY PILOT
Maybe it’s because you shot me!

Taft has already started marching down the plane, barking
orders.

TAFT
Beta Team, put on your sky-ninja
suits, and get the hell out there!

EXT. OPEN SKY

Henchman after henchman take to the skies in paragliders and
machine guns.

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE

JOHNSTON
Release the missle!

EXT. OPEN SKY

From beneath the private plane, a missile is dropped. It
breaks apart on cue, and inside is Dickbone, dropping head
first, CHAINSAW  whirring in one hand, the other waving a
cowboy hat like Pigmeat.

SMASH
Yee-haaaa!

He falls on through and on top of the sky-ninjas, cutting
and slashing their lines and them. It is a spectacular
aerial fight ballet, him untethered to a chute or sense

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE

JOHNSTON
OK House, time for lights out

EXT. OPEN SKY

House fires black goo all over the cockpit window, blacking
out the inside of the jumbo.

INT. COCKPIT

The pilot is desperately trying to windex the inside.

HEAVY PILOT
I can’t see, we’re going down

GOOFY LADY
Yeah, I hate this!

TAFT
For god’s sake, all you all do is
pick pick pick!

Grappling hooks come through the plane hull

EXT. OPEN SKY

Smash and Johnston zipline down the hooks to the back of the
jumbo. The unconnect themselves

JOHNSTON
Hit the brakes!

Above, the private airplane pulls up, ripping the back off
the jumbo as it burns crashing.

As contents and passengers spin out, Johnston grabs the
Digiorno container, hook it to them, and deploy their second
ziplines back to the private plane. Below the jumbo crashes
into the sea.

JOHNSTON
We got it folks. We got it

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE BRIEFING ROOM / PARTY CENTRAL

Champagne is popped

SHARD
Congratulations soldiers. Taft is
dead, the innocent passages have
been rescued I assume, and most
importantly the DiGirono device has
been recovered.

JOHNSTON
I became president in tragic
circumstances.

SHARD
Oh not this downer story again

JOHNSTON
It was Grade 5, I was the Secretary
of Agriculture, and a bunch of us
in the line of succession were
going to play basketball for
Eisenhower’s birthday

EXT. PRESIDENTAL BUS

Suit wearing kids clamber on a red, white and blue bus. A
ten year old Johnston goes to hop on, with a propeller hat.
He is stopped at the door by the kid attorney general

JOHNSTON
Come on guys, you need ten people
for basketball, five to a side!

ATTORNEY GENERAL
Whatev’s, Charles Barkley is our
Speaker of the House, we’re playing
him all game.

Everyone cackles and calls loser to Johnston, throwing his
stuff out the window as the bus drives off. Johnston looks
at the trash at his feet, then lets one wet tear go like
Iron Eyes Cody.

The bus then explodes in a fireball.  Johnston lets out a
yell, and drops to his knees screaming at the heavens.

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE BRIEFING ROOM

JOHNSTON
It was then I knew: I was never
getting to that basketball game.

EXT.  SOME BEACH
chyron: off the coast of canada

Hundreds of water survivors are shivering under blankets are
being helped by Canadian coast guards bringing them in on
boats

COAST GUARD
Say mister…

He’s talking to a mysterious looking guy under a blanket

COAST GUARD
I say, you’d be a spitting image of
that there american president, if
it wasn’t for your comically
oversized glasses, groucho
mustache, and insistence that
you’ve never even heard of the
president.

The mysterious man looks up with a tiny smile. It’s Taft!
Obviously.

INT. HENCHMEN TRAINING HOUSE

Taft walks in through a yard accompanied by an old assassin
training MASTER. Behind him, henchmen thrown knives into
dummies and abseil onto crocodiles and such. Some are
ninjas, some are tattoe strong men, some have faces of
animals.

THE MASTER
This is Dujo, master of disguise.
He is a true artist

TAFT
Why such high praise?

The master walks in from another room

THE MASTER
Because that isn’t Dujo

The first master grins, and pulls off latex. He is Dujo

TAFT
You have proven yourself well

DUJO O/S
Not yet

The real Dujo is disguised, as a paper mache tree.

DUJO
That was a pile of cabbages

It sure was

TAFT
Well I must say, I’m more impressed
than annoyed.

DUJO
A rare honor Mr President.

TAFT
Say, don’t I recognize you from…

DUJO
Nobody recognizes me

TAFT
Ok, I get it. But you were on that
UK impressions show right? ‘Good
Show Chaps’.

DUJO
Haha, yes, back when my weapon to
topple governments was changing the
lyrics to pop songs to be about
ministerial farts. Did it play in
the US?

TAFT
Oh no, the average American
wouldn’t know his Stanley brother
from the other. Who else do you
have

THE MASTER
Who else do you need

There is awkward silence

THE MASTER
I am the real Master

TAFT
Oh, ok, cool. Well, I need a
boxman, someone to break the safe

THE MASTER
I know a guy, best hands in the
business

TAFT
What business?

THE MASTER
Hand modeling

TAFT
That’s a good business. How’s his
hearing?

THE MASTER
In his day, he could hear a pin
drop

TAFT
What happened?

THE MASTER
The pin dropped, and a grenade went
off.  But honestly, gorgeous hands.
Like prima ballerinas.

TAFT
Ok then. I will also need a grifter

THE MASTER
Larry the Snake

TAFT
A Heavy

THE MASTER
Todd the Cake

TAFT
And a Monkey

THE MASTER
Bubbles.  What’s the score?

TAFT
Valuables

MASTER
The best thing to steal. Ok, so we
have a special this month, buy a
two assassins, get three cannon
fodders free.

TAFT
Awesome. And one more thing; have
you heard any whispers about this
Johnston fellow?

THE MASTER
Lyndon Johnston? He’s…the former
president. You didn’t know that?
that’s like your area

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE

SHARD
Ok, good news and bad news, which
would you like to hear first?

JOHNSTON
Good.

SHARD
We’ve been given permission to fix
this ourselves

JOHNSTON
…better do it in the other order

SHARD
The Digiorno device was a fake. Or
rather, it was just the box it came
in

JOHNSTON
Damn it, I knew it felt light

SHARD
My guess whoever has it is putting
together a team of baddies as we
speak. That would be my very good
guess. But the good news is, we’ve
been giving permission to fix this
ourselves. So, whose ready to do
some kickass non-descript ass
kicking?

SMASH
I fear you’ll have to kick this ass
without me guys. I’m through.

Everyone’s like ‘whaaaaa’

SMASH
You see, I settling down, with Yoko
here

It’s the ninja from the market place

JOHNSTON
You’re breaking up the band!

SMASH
Oh Johnston, someday you’ll
understand, when you’re in love.

JOHNSTON
Nu-uh, girls are gross. Especially
Taipan. I think she might poo her
pants

TAIPAN
I do not!

SMASH
Besides, you were always the Ringo
of this group, and by that I mean
the most violent. You will carry on
without me. Commander, thank you
for not background checking me.
Dickbone…dickbone dickbone. And
for you, little guy

House looks up with excitiment. Smash unveils a new trike,
with ribbons on the side

HOUSE
Oh boy, it’s got a bell and
everything. I’m gonna play with it
right now

He rushes off screen, and we hear the door open, wind
whipping loudly, and then close.

SMASH
Well that’s that. I’m not much for
goodbyes, I’m a ninja, I rather
just quietly slip away, never to
be…

An alarm goes off

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE BRIEFING ROOM

Taipan, Johnston, Dickbone and Shard come bounding in.

SHARD
Some one give me some God damn good
news

UNDERLING
Taft is still alive

SHARD
That’s great news!

UNDERLING
Oh, really? Cool

SHARD
I said give me good news

UNDERLING
Oh

JOHNSTON
At least we can bring the bastard
in alive, to face the firing squad.
Where the hell is he?

UNDERLING
He’s been spotted…

SHAFT
I’ll read the dossier, if you
please. During a routine Google
search for his name, we found
evidence that he is in Minsk,
Norway, entering Kylaskinov; the
worlds tallest bank

The schematics and graphics show up on the screens,
following everything he’s saying (people, objects, the
works)

SHAFT
140 stories of triple locked,
double stuff vaults, armoured dogs,
easily diverted guards, cool
lasers, the works. Rumour has it
that The Artist Formally Known as
the Artist Formally Known as Prince
is kept there, so you get the idea
of what we’re dealing with.

Everyone nods solemnly.

JOHNSTON
How did he get in?

SHAFT
Through the roof. Princess Charlene
is celebrating her diamond 100th
birthday many decades prematurely,
and his team walked right through
the front door disguised as The
Village People.

JOHNSTON
Well then that’s exactly what we’ll
do.

EXT. ROOFTOP PARTY

Crystal fountains and posh ladies in furs and so many
waiters carrying glasses.

HOUSE V/O
We’ll do exactly what?

JOHNSTON
The..don’t worry, I’l explain as we
go

Overhead, the PRIVATE JET drops the team down by rope. They
are dressed as The Village People. Dickbone is the
policeman, Taipan is the Indian, House is also the Indian,
Johnston is … leather man I want to say, and Shard is Fred
Flintstone, and back in the plane.

A snooty looking maitre’de raises a gloved hand

MATRIE’DE
Pardon me, whom are you’m?

JOHNSTON
I’m Freddie Mercury, and this is my
band the Village People

MATRIE’DE
But the Village People, they are of
already have arriving

JOHNSTON
Oh yeah? Well if we weren’t the
village people, could we this?

Johnston takes a cup and ball from his pocket, and begins to
try to get it in, without much success.

MATRIE’DE
I’m not knowing, probably

JOHNSTON
Oh yeah? Well, how
bout…ummm….let me think

MATRIE’DE
Look fancy pal, the Village Peoples
are singers. So you either sing one
of their hits, or you’re going to
have to get past by violence. But
you are probably too chickeny scare
boy to fight me, like all
Americans.

JOHNSTON
You asked for this, buddy

Johnston pulls out a kazoo like tone-tuner.

They all begin to sing. Not one of the village peoples hits,
but Toot Suite from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The crowd
gradually all gets into it, everyone is joining in, dancing
on the tables, the waiters spinning trolleys.

Eventually, they all gather round the Matri-de, who blows
into the tuner. He then eats the tuner.

JOHNSTON
He likes it!

Everyone high kicks and resumes in celebration. Johnston
shoots the Matrie-De, straight up ruining the mood. Everyone
screams and runs around

JOHNSTON
Let’s go guys!

They go down a man-hole cover in the floor of the party…

INT. SEWERS OF BANK

into the wet grimy cobblestone sewers of the building.

JOHNSTON
House, let’s kick some lights in
here.

House lights twin flares, and rolls them down the dingy wet
hall like a bad-ass.

JOHNSTON
Taipan, where the hell are we?

TAIPAN
I don’t know

JOHNSTON
Wrong!

TAIPAN
I don’t think I was…

JOHNSTON
Sure, officially this place isn’t
mapped, but that’s why I always
carry the tatto around with me

He takes off his shirt, revealing some good quailty battle
scared abs, as well as the seal of america from before.

TAIPAN
I don’t see…

JOHNSTON
Turn me around

They flip him upside down. Suddenly, the hidden meaning in
the scratchings and patterns become clear: it is a perfect
secret blueprint of the place

TAIPAN
Well, according to your vanity
stamp, we’re in the sewers of the
top level. From here, we can travel
by pipe to anywhere in the
building, much like your standard
ninja turtle or Mario. The real
question is where do we go, we have
no idea where Taft and his team are
or what they’re after.

JOHNSTON
God damn it Taipan, this stinks
like poo-poo. Do we have a mole on
the inside?

TAIPAN
No

JOHNSTON
What about any nail files,
clippers?

TAIPAN
Would in no way help.

JOHNSTON
Surveillance then?

TAIPAN
This place is doted with cameras,
but they’re closed circuit; we
can’t get in.

JOHNSTON
Shard, is this true?

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE BRIEFING ROOM

SHARD
I’m afraid somehow the lady’s
right, it’s password encrypted

We see the password box on the screen in front of it. The
background is Norwegian bank mascot Saveicus the Red (Keeps
You Out of the).

JOHNSTON
And?
crash zoom on shard’s face

SHARD
And I don’t know the password

INT. SEWERS OF BANK

JOHNSTON
God damn it, we need that
surveielnce. We need another
member. Someone … with with a
certain set of skills. And I know
just who…

They stand there waiting for him to say who

JOHNSTON
I’ll be back soon

TAIPAN
Right now? Do we just wait or…

He has already shut the sewer grate behind him.

cut to

INT. DAILY BUGLE

PETER PARKER in on screen, being chewed out by his editor J
JONAH JAMESON.

JAMESON O/S
This Spiderman is a pest, a menace,
a real creepazoid. Not, as you
suggested, under the headline ‘Babe
Magnet wins all Olympics’.

PETER
I thought…

JAMESON
I mean, look at it. That medal is
clearly cardboard, that babe is
photo-shopped, and the photo is a
selfie

PETER
Uh-oh…

JAMESON
I mean, why am I paying you if your
he’s the one taking the photos. I
don’t even want to ask why you were
present for the nude ones

PETER
Those were included by accident, Mr
Jameson.

JAMESON
Well, whatever gayballs stuff you
two do, that’s your own business. I
just think he’s a loser, and don’t
want you getting hurt. This kinda
guy swings in and out of your
life…

Johnston bursts through the door

JOHNSTON
Knock knock, I was just looking for
a hero, do you have one here?

Peter looks hopeful

JAMESON
We’re on?

JOHNSTON
We’re on

JAMESON
Hot diggity, it’s the mercenaries
life for me again.

He lights one of his cigars. It’s a stick of dynamite.

JOHNSTON
Save the stick for later, Panther

JAMESON
It feels good to hear my code name
again

He throws the dynamite out of the window. Peter leaps out
the window to stop it killing everyone

JAMESON
Hmm. Well, we were going to have to
make cur backs anyway. iPhones are
killing those guys’ profession.

JOHNSTON
Thanks for coming on, I owe you one

JAMESON
You owe me more than one, pal.

JOHNSTON
I know buddy

JAMESON
You owe me 8 grand

JOHNSTON
Hey, you know I’m good for it, I
command the treasury!

JAMESON
I belive you, brother-man. I’m on
board

They bro hug. Jameson pats him down

JOHNSTON
I don’t have 8000 dollars on me

JAMESON
It’s good to check

INT. SEWERS OF BANK

The gang are playing solitaire on their phone etc.

A BURST of rubble makes them cock their weapons
aggressively, and in the dust walks Jameson with Johnston

JAMESON
Daddy’s home.

TAIPAN
I don’t….know you, so it may be
weird for me to…

JOHNSTON
Here’s his dossier, from Shard.

She looks at it.

JOHNSTON
Air-force SEAL, served both sides
in the Congo conflict before
becoming a damn fine newsman, with
contacts all over. If you need
information, he’s your man. He even
wrote that dossier.

JAMESON
Most importantly, I can connect to
any of those little security
cameras. You never know what story
is going to break if you don’t spy
on people.

He turns to Johnston

JAMESON
So, this is the replacement for
your dead wife?

TAIPAN
Oh no, no no, we’re not going….

JOHNSTON
No agent could match my wife

TAIPAN
Oh, you wife was on the team?

JOHNSTON
She WAS the team. I still remember
her funeral…

TAIPAN
Oh no, don’t talk about it if

JOHNSTON
Shh, I’m painting a metal picture.

EXT. MILITARY GRAVE SITE

A largely attended military funeral . The gun salute is
going off by white-gloved mourning soldiers.

At a neighboring funeral, a priest is giving last rites. He
keeps getting interrupted by the shots

JOHNSTON
Jeez, they’re loud. Oih, we’re
trying to mourn my dead wife here!

The other funeral starts playing his favorite song
FX: Apache Indian – Boom Shack-A-Lack

JOHNSTON
My darling Marie must be turning in
her grave. Cause its so groovy

FIRST LADY
You know me, hon

JOHNSTON
Marie? But, if you’re here, then
who…

The casket bursts open, and terrorist jumps out, gun a
blazing.

JOHNSTON
It was then I knew: I was never
getting to that basketball game.

INT. SEWERS OF BANK

Jameson has set up a series of tv-screens and wires. The
team are looking over it

DICKBONE
There, that’s the jerk. Look at
him, smugly…what is he doing?

SHARD V/O
I don’t have time to get the
analysts on it, you’ll have to
describe it as you attack

JOHSTON
Understood. He’s on floor 85, Third
National Bank of Hong Kong, he has
back up, we go in hot, we go in
fast, we go in deadly. Hit the
tunnels

They all dive into the grimy tunnels, spinning and flipping
through the watery maze

INT. HONG KONG BANK LOBBY

A small amount of customers mill around. The tellers where
light pink and white shirts. In the corner is a metal
detector and guards, wanding people as they enter and leave.
The machine beeps on one hooded person

BANK GUARD
Could you empty your pockets, sir?

Customer empties pockets, they are masses of coins

CUSTOMER
Keep them.

He looks, revealing to the Whittler.

WHITTLER
I have a feeling I’ll get some more
very soon.

BANK GUARD
….yeah, fat chance of that.

The wand is clean, lets him pass right through.

WHITTLER
Much obliged

The Whittler pulls out a wooden gun, and shoots him dead. He
takes his hat and uniform, and pulls out a fake wooden ID
for himself.

Meanwhile, a little old lady who very much looks like a
commando in a wig, approaches the teller.

OLD BAG
Well excuse me young man, I am an
old lady and I would like to go
into your bank vault.

TELLER
I’m afraid you will need clearance
from both up and down stairs for
that one.

OLD BAGR
Clearance, eh? How’s this for your
clearance

She pulls out…a serviette

TELLER
I’m afraid, this won’t do

OLD BAG
Oh, shame

She is explosively shot dead from behind, as an armoured
gang moves in with shot guns

TAFT
OK guys, you know the drill, give
in or get blown.

The Whittler lets them in from all sides when the automatic
doors slide open.

INT. BANK HALLS

The villains, led by Taft march down the way, causally
shooting and such. They reach the giant vault and the bomb
expert Trigger gets to work, squeezing out polyfiller
explosives and red wires.  He sticks an atom bomb to it.
Taft stops him and shakes his head.

Taft begins marching with the rest of the villains, sans
bomb expert

TAFT
Tigerclaw, Whittler, you secure the
perimeter. Packrat and Charlie
Horse you flank me. If anyone see’s
Johnston and his pesky pals, take
them down. And be warned, they’re
sneaky

Behind him are two suits of armour. Taft see’s them

TAFT
You’re joking

JOHNSTON V/O
Over here, you first term fluke

Johnston is painted to resemble part of a painting. Just not
unfortunately not the painting he’s standing in front of

TAFT
Ah Johnston, finally a face to face
confro….where are you?

Johnston is running away. He’s left a sick of dynamite.

Taft panics, and tries to kick it, it sticks to his shoe. He
throws his shoe away. Now he has one shoe. A knight kicks
him in the behind.

TAFT
What the…

DICKBONE
How you doing

TAFT
I don’t have time for this.
Char-Grill, sort this guy out.

A heaving monster of a man rips off his shirt. He has
chainsaw. The chainsaw spits flame.

DICKBONE
Okey…doke

cut to

INT. BANK LIFT

Taft and crew come running up to the lift, just as it’s
closing.

TAFT
Hold the lift!

It’s a bank teller, holding a shoulder wound

TELLER
No way, you’re mean!

The doors close. Frustrated, Taft runs to the stair well.

TAFT
We have to get upstairs, and rob
the Bank of Australia

TIGERCLAW
Yeah, we know. I’m King of the
Catwalk, not King of the Stupid.

AS they run up the stairs, they are hit in the face with
paint cans on strings. At the top, Johnston does a
celebratory arm pump.

INT. SEWERS OF BANK

Jameson is watching tiny dots bleep on his many screens. He
puffs madly on his cigar, and talks into a headset

JAMESON
OK Dickbone, I’ve ran some
schematics, it appears his fire is
weak to water.

INT. BANK HALLS

Dickbone is ducking and diving from each firey attack, and
delevering a few blows himself.

DICKBONE
Water, got it.

He slides over to a drinks machine, and checks his pocket

DICKBONE
I’m outa change

JAMESON O/S
Then nick the big guys wallet. Use
your assailants coins against him.

DICKBONE
Got it.

He flicks his Knight visor down

DICKBONE
Time for this knight to slay the
dragon

He attacks with a mace. Char-Grill blows hot hot fire on him

DICKBONE
Ouchy, wow this metal suit gets
super hot!

Much more clanging and punching and ducking and manly
actions. Char-Grill gets a moment, and chainsaws Dickbones
arm clean off.

Dickbone just shrugs

DICKBONE
Only a flesh-wound

Dickbone kicks this guy clear into his balls. The sound of
cha-ching slot machine music comes on, as Char-Grill is
kicked upwards, into the roof, his legs dangling out and
loads of coins falling down through the cracks

DICKBONE
Oh, right. Its a bank, money’s
everywhere.

He takes one of the coins with his remaining non-chainsawed
hand, and calmy gets a bottle of water. He pours the water
onto a slightly-smoking dropped fire-chainsaw.

DICKBONE
Knighty-knight

JAMESON O/S
What did you say?

DICKBONE
Knighty-knight

JAMESESON
Awesome, good enough for my
newspaper.

INT. AUSTRALIAN BANK LOBBY
Chryon: Australian Bank of Australia Lobby

Its pretty sparse. The bad guys come up the stairwell

AUSSIE TELLER
G’day mate

He is shot

AUSSIE TELLER
Struth!

The baddies get through security.

TAFT
Are you on schedule, Trigger?

INT. VAULT

Trigger the explosives expert has cracked the door. As
electronic lights flicker on all along the vast vault
revealed is great bales of money, and all the treasure from
Aladdin’s cave of wonders.

TRIGGER
I’m dynamite

TAFT O/S
Then do what your best at

Trigger rolls out two streams of exploslvies, and puts his
finger on the trigger.

TRIGGER
Yippie Kai-Yah, mother…

He eye explodes, as a bullet racks through his school.
Taipan is the shooter

TAIPAN
What a rip-off.

She talks on her headpiece

TAIPAN
Time to clean out the rat in the
pantry.

She stops transmitting

TAIPAN
There, see, you gotta stick with
your own catchphrase, however lame
it may be

She goes back on her headset

TAIPAN
Team, it looks like they were going
to blow up the Hong Kong cash
reserve.

INT. AUSSIE BANK HALLWAY

Charlie Horse and Whittler of the baddies are at a flywire
door marked ‘Vault’. They kick it in. Inside is a small pile
of money, a few drums of oil, some sheep, a couple of gold
medals, and the opal from Genie from Down Under.

They kick over the oil drums, and light some explosives

INT. BANK INTEREGATION ROOM
c/u of walky talky

CHARLIE HORSE O/S
Euclyptus cleared.

ZOOM OUT to see the walky-talky is atached to Packrat, who
is dead with a knife in his face.

Taft is nearby, having his hand taped by House, as Jameson
has him at gun point, and Johnston is doing a little
knee-based celebration dance.

JOHNSTON
Well, it’s offical, I’m offically
the best president. Sorry, Millard
Fillmore, you’ve been
de-democratically elected-throned.

TAFT
Do not be so quick to celebrate,
dumb bum

JOHNSTON
No need for names…why…why can’t
we celebrate

TAFT
You have no idea how deep this
go’s.

HOUSE
Well that’s ominimous

TAFT
You don’t think it strange we are
destroying all the money of the
commenwealth…

JOHNSTON
Nope. Ok, lets take this guy…

TAFT
Hang on, hang on! Well if that
didn’t pinqe your curisity, I have
another ace up sleeve….could you
undo my hands to see up my sleeve?

JOHNSTON
Nope

TAFT
Come on man! OK, OK, fine. You are
ruining the showmanship. Packrat,
how about we show..

Packrat is dead

TAFT
Right right, don’t worry I’ll get
it

He shuffles over to Packrat, awkwardly slow. The good guys
just slowly watch him

He finds the walky talky, and speaks into it

TAFT
Whittler, bring in…the hostage

Whittler comes into the room, pushing in a tied up hooded
scared child.

House shoots Whittler

TAFT
What the hell!

JAMESON
Take every advantage

TAFT
You are so….do you want me to
shoot the hostage?

JOHNSTON
How are you going to do that?

TAFT
…Charlie Horse, get in here

CHARLIE HORSE O/S
Eh…no thanks

TAFT
Get in here, and threaten this
hostage

Charlie Horse comes in, very timid, quickly hiding behind
the hostage

TAFT
So, Mr President, what do you say,
my freedom for the life of this
innocent

JOHNSTON
Heck no

TAFT
What do you mean, heck no, that’s a
good deal

JOHNSTON
No hostage is worth it

TAFT
Jeez man, the guy can hear you,
you’ll hurt his feelings.

JOHNSTON
OK, you like deals?

TAFT
Love em

JOHNSTON
How about you let the hostage go,
and I’ll shoot you

TAFT
Terrible deal, just the worst. Here
is a better one, think of it as a
bonus. How about mysetery hostage
is…your son! Now, pull the hood
now Charlie

Charlie does. Underneath is very cute child

Johnston shoots him

CHARLIE HORSE
No way!

Johnston shoots Charlie Horse

TAFT
Holy cow you’re crazy! You shot
your own son!

JOHNSTON
That wasn’t my son

TAFT
Yes it was!

JOHNSTON
…it was?

He frantically checks

JOHNSTON
Nope no, not my son. Phew. It is,
however, on checking, my nephew.

TAFT
…oh dude

JOHNSTON
It looks like you’re all out of
bargaining chips, Taft.

TAFT
Oh I think I’ve got one. You see…

He pulls off a mask, revealing himself to be Dujo

DUJO
It is I, Dujo, master of disguise!
Say hi to the camera

His eyeball is a camera

We cut to his POV, and zoom out to see

EXT. NIGHT SKY

TAFT watching the footage on a wristwatch laughing, hugging
a crate of stolen goods on the open side of a helicopter
taking off into the night.

INT. BANK INTEREGATION ROOM

Dujo is also laughing. The team look angry. House punches a
wall. Jameson punches Dujo

DUJO
You lose Johnston, you lose! What
are you going to do now?

JOHNSTON
Kill him

DUJO
Oh no, wait! You’ve got options,
hang on…

He is shot in the chest. His body is racked with electrical
surges, as his body spasms and malfuctions into various
personas, before eventually melting into a quickering pink
goo puddle.

JOHNSTON
Nobody wipe yourself, that goo is
evidence

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE

SHARD
How’d it go guys?

JOHNSTON
Enough!

He grabs his supervisor by the collar.

JOHNSTON
I have questions, and you have
awnsers, now talk.

SHARD
OK, you deserve awnsers.
Just..nothing about my sexuality.

JOHNSTON
What does the Digoirono device do?

SHARD
Huh? That’s all?

JOHNSTON
Yes. Tell me!

SHARD
Did you ask me before, because I’d
have tottally told you

Johnston throws a laptop through a window. Many things get
sucked out

JOHNSTON
You’re stalling!

SHARD
Alright alright, be cool, releases
a weird gas thing that melts the
faces off of Nazi’s. The bad ones.

JOHNSTON
And what if this device was
applified, say…by a CERN Hydron
whatever, like the one stored in
that Nordic bank place.

SHARD
Then it will kill Nazi’s faster.

JOHNSTON
Oh. That’s not so bad.

SHARD
Yeah. I’m kinda thinking at this
point just to let him do his thing.
I mean, we are shoving a lot of
wasted effort at this thing

At the doorway, the LACKEY skulks. Oh dude, I totally
forgot, this lackey is played by Jason Alexander, he’s a
weasel!

POV of his beady little scheming eyes, as he makes a phone
call. It barely rings, like they were God damn expecting
it.

LACKEY
They fell for it. The plan is a go

cut to

EXT. A SPEEDING YAHT.

Taft stands on the bow, wind whipping his evil hair, blue
tooth to his ear.

TAFT
Sorry, who is this?

LACKEY O/S
It’s Lackey, you know from before,
the director’s aid?

TAFT
Oh right right, everything’s a go?

LACKEY O/S
You got it babe

TAFT
…I don’t like that, don’t call me
that

LACKEY O/S
Sorry boss.

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE SNEAKY CORNER

Lackey sneaks a peek around the corner. Johnston and Shard
are fighting again. The others just watch TV

LACKEY
The boy scouts are still in the
dark of your real plan. You know,
your secret plan

TAFT O/S
Yes yes, I know the plan

LACKEY
The sneaky plan

TAFT O/S
Oh my god, I hate you.

EXT. A SPEEDING YAHT.

TAFT
Now, find an excuse to sneak off
the plane, I’m tying up these loose
ends once and for all.

He hangs up the phone

TAFT
Starting with you

LACKEY O/S
What?

TAFT
God damn bluetooth

He throws his phone in the water in frustraion

He turns to heavies.

TAFT
You actually better get that, I
haven’t backed up my contacts.

They dive in the water reluctently
zoom out to reveal boat is cruising up the river thames
music: ominmous version of Rule brittania

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE

Lackey sneaks out as arguing contiues

JOHNSTON
You are not pulling me from this
mission! I’ve got him right where I
want him

SHARD
Where? Show me on the map where he
is

LACKEY
I’m just going to step out, stretch
my legs

JOHNSTON
Look pal, nobody talks to me like
that, I don’t like your tone!

SHARD
Well I don’t like your face!

JOHNSTON
That’s a god damn lie!

TAIPAN
Umm, guys; Taft is in London

LACKEY
Wh..what? I mean, what? I…how do
you know?

TAIPAN
It’s on the news

We see footage of Taft waving to a crowd on a podium

JOHNSTON
He’s in England? Guys, is London in
England?

LACKEY
Yawn, how boring, let’s change the
channel

DICKBONE
Oih, Lackey. If you’re going to
betray us, could you do it quielty?
We’re watching.

Lackey looks panicked, and jumps through a glass window.
More wind blows.

SHARD
What the hell? How does the news
have better sources than me, I’m
director of the NSA or CIA or
something! What channel is it on?
Wow this is good, how do I record?
Oops, that’s power switch

Taipan snatches the control, and puts it back on

NEWS ANCHOR
President Taft will present live to
air and address to the people of
the world from Buckingham Palace,
which he promises will be quite
explosive news. Followed by your
lotto numbers, hope you’ve got a
ticket.

JOHNSTON
Let’s go!

SHARD
Hang on, I get to say let’s go

Everyone else sighs, and sits back down

SHARD
You may be the commander in chief,
but I’m still your chief god damn
it!

JOHNSTON
Nobody is the boss of me! No. Body.

SHARD
Why can’t you play it by the book?

JOHNSTON
I do…the Declaration of
Independence

SHARD
…more of a one sheet than a book.

JOHNSTON
Don’t be an ass

SHARD
I’m an ass? you blew up the
pentagon!

JOHNSTON
Well, you did kidnap my family
first

SHARD
…yeah, that was a pretty
asstastic move. Look, clean slate,
put her there pal

Puts his hand out to shake.

JOHNSTON
Chief, that gold watch, how long
have you had it

SHARD
20 years, it was from when I first
retired from the force

JOHNSTON
Cause its gonna blow!

They hit the dirt dramatically. Johnston double-takes and
pushes Shard

JOHNSTON
No, the bombs attached to you!

SHARD
Oh right!

Shard rips off his watchband, and scowls at it

SHARD
Gold watch, you’re about to get an
early retirement. I’ll see you in
Florida. Good night and god…

JOHNSTON
Chuck it!

SHARD
Don’t order me! You may be the
commander in chief, but I’m still..

JOHNSTON
Chuck it!

SHARD
Oh fine

He winds up to overhand throw it, and it explodes his hand
off.

SHARD
MOTHER…

INT. HOSPITAL BED.

Shard lies in a dazed state. A machine bleep-boops

SHARD
(weakly)
…fucker.

Johnston is whittling

JOHNSTON
You going to be OK, chief?

SHARD
You’re not going sentimental on me,
are you Johnston?

JOHNSTON
Get lost, queer bones, no agent
worth their salt shows affection
that way

Taipan enters, carrying a giant get well teddy.

JOHNSTON
I repeat, no agent…

TAIPAN
Yeah, I heard you in the hall. I
also heard,this time by stealing
medical records, that you got a
prosthetic hand.

SHARD
Ha, on my Commander of the FBI
salary? No, I had to get it
replaced with something else

JOHNSTON
So, what did you get? A machine
gun? Oooh, a Pez dispenser?

SHARD
Hmm…that would have been better.
No no, I got this sweet ass shard
of metal

Shows his jagged shrapnel stump. The others
look…unconvinced.

TAIPAN
Yeah, not your best decision.

SHARD
Well, I was pretty doped up when
they asked me. The explosion also
bunged up my hearing, and I was too
shy to say anything.

JOHNSTON
You can’t get a shard hand if your
name is Shard! That’s like if
Captain Hook got a hook hand! Or if
Edward Scissorhands replaced his
scissor hands with wood!

SHARD
God, your both so right. Doih

He hits his forehead, cutting himself.

SHARD
I feel like an idiot.

JOHNSTON
Look, you can’t sit around her
moping all day, let’s get back to
kicking asses!

He pulls back the medical curtain, to reveal they’re still
in the private jet. A hot female DOCTOR comes running up

DR PATIENT-RELATIONS
I’m afraid that’s not possible, he
needs his bed rest.

SHARD
Say’s who?

DR PATIENT-RELATIONS
Say’s…

EXT. OPEN SKY
long shot of private airplane

From a distance Dr Patient-Relations is thrown from the
plan. She parachutes away, shaking her highly attractive
fist.

INT. HENCHMEN TRAINING HOUSE, LONDON OFFICE

Taft walks into a blue police box. It is bigger on the
inside, revealing another fighting dojo. Wise old evil
master comes from a room, with hot soup. He sees Taft, and
backs away.

TAFT
Oih! I need more men

THE MASTER
No, assassion die by you, you bad
luck, assassion take ages to train

TAFT
I have gold. I got it off
some…melted nazi’s.

THE MASTER
…who would you like?

Monatage showing each chosen baddie

TAFT
I will take them every single one
you got, including but not limited
to, embezzler Saul Silverstien,
Chip Whip; Boy Adventurer turned
Teenage Pervert, and the more
aggressive members of show
basketball team Washington
Generals.

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE BRIEFING ROOM

Commander Shard is addressing the crew from his wheelchair
with steely determination and renewed fire.

SHARD
I don’t care what the doctor says,
I am using this wheelchair. It
appears that President Taft is
trickier than we thought: a bomb
timed to explode in 20 years shows
he’s been planning this for a
while.

HOUSE
I called it, omnimous.

SHARD
So if he wants to play in the big
leauges, well then from now on we
play hardball. And those hard balls
are covered in glass.

TAIPAN
No allowed in the big leauges

SHARD
The gloves are off

TAIPAN
Terrible baseball strategy.

SHARD
Unleash the dogs of war

TAIPAN
Maybe we Canadians play diffrently.

SHARD
And the red dossiers are out

He throws down a pile of fluro blood-red files. There are
danger and nucelear stickers on them, as well as exclamation
marks after every word.

SHARD
I am authorising emergecy killzone,
code red level magenta, Operation:
God Mode.

TAIPAN
But sir, that’s…an executive
action!

Shard exhals, and looks in the middle distance

SHARD
I know

TAIPAN
But you need active presidental
approval.

SHARD
Well, that aint happening
luetenant…

TAIPAN
Ah man I got demoted?

SHARD
…so sometimes a man’s got to take
a chance. If it succeeds, I’m a
hero. If it fails…well, then the
whole world is screwed anyway.

DICKBONE
Sir, I may be one bad ass man
punching child killer, but you’ve
got the real stones

HOUSE
Yeah, you’re the full house!

JOHNSTON
So what’s the plan…boss

EXT. NIGHT. ENGLISH BONFIRE NIGHT

THe london streets are party central, with parades and
toffee apples.

Above them, Taft comes up to his Mussulini podium.

TAFT
Look at them. London is a pussy
waiting to get fucked. And I love
pussy

UNDERLING
Do you?

TAFT
Yes. Yes!

Taft approaches the podium. His address is seen through
television sets, all over the world. Many famous people will
camero as weirdos in their homes. Celebrities like Petuna
Clarke, Richard Gere, Donnie and/or Marie Osmond, and Truman
Capote.

TAFT
People of the world, people…of
the greater British empire. It is
I, great leader….King George III!
Still ticking after all these
years, I have bided my time since
that pesky revolutunary war took
away our well-earned colanies in
the americas, after we put so much
effort in cleaning them up!
Finally, America, along with our
other now-bankrupt former
colanies…

Hong Kong and Australia look on, poor.

TAFT
…will joining back with the proud
United Kingdom, and together…with
me as leader…the sun will never
set on the Brittish empire, and if
it does its because we hit it with
a laser or something!

JOHNSTON O/S
Sounds dumb

He turns around, and there is the team, looking heroic.

TAFT
Oh for…minions, attack

No minions spring out

TAFT
…did you kill all my minions

Dickbone throws down a russian flap hat

TAFT
What’s that?

DICKBONE
One was wearing that

TAFT
Oh, right, so that’s a yes.
Greeeeeat.

JOHNSTON
You didn’t count on one thing. The
power of the American president.

TAFT
Oh but I did, Johnston. You see,
the Digirono devices face-melty gas
merely does that as a side effect.
It is actually a secret serum
called Project Rushmore

He takes the last of the serum out, and drinks it.

TAFT
It was designed to be used only by
american presidents, in order to
fight off whole armies. It makes
the american president into a giant
version, like the mountain.

TAIPAN
Sure I…think we get it.

Taft begins to grown, his bones cracking and shifting

TAFT
But that’s not all, oh no. My loyal
minions at the Wonka factory are
making me a big old giant bomb,
with Big Ben as the timer! I needed
to be huge so I can sneak the bomb
myself, in the dead of night. Test
versions suggest they may be harder
that I thought.

DICKBONE
There is no way any of this is true

Taft is breaking apart the building

TAFT
Oh the things American science can
do when its not making weapons, or
hamburgers bigger. Of course, I’m
harassing it to make me a much
bigger weapon, but you know how the
English love irony.

He grows to Paul Bunyan size, or as it’s know in England a
Gulliver.

TAFT
And no, there’s no serum for you. I
hate to smoosh you and run, but I
have a Presidents Day to ruin.

JOHNSTON
Not the president’s birthday!
That’s also my birthday, you
maniac!

He is now huge and smashs the room on the way out. His
lackeys don’t blink, and follow.

The crowd are all staring, dumbfounded. So are the people on
TV, including….

INT. IGLOO

One Inuit watching their ice-television…

INUIT
Holy bananas, this is good TV!

EXT. NIGHT. ENGLISH BONFIRE NIGHT

The gang watch as this behemoth trashes through London.

JOHNSTON
I can’t believe the chief was right

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE BRIEFING ROOM
chyron: flashback

HOUSE
Yeah, you’re the full house!

JOHNSTON
So what’s the plan…boss

SHARD
We believe President Taft, aka the
immortal King George, is going to
make himself huge and try to attack
our nations capital.

EXT. WASHINGTON CORN FIELDS
chyron: cornfields of Washington state.

SHARD V/O\
Fortunately, a giant president
still has to travel by foot, so we
may have some time. Also, we think
he might have gone to the wrong
Washington.

Taft looking very annoyed, checking teeny tiny iPhone.

SHARD V/O
My sources say at least SOME super
sized person is stomping about over
there.

EXT. A BODY OF WATER

A submarine rises up, and our gang come out the top, dressed
in orange jump suits.

SHARD V/O
And fortunately for us, we have
something on our side a turn coat
like Taft could never have.
Courage, fortitude, the hopes and
dreams of the american people.

PAN UP TO REVEAL they are in the Hudson river, and above
them is the Statue of Liberty. Patriotic music plays.

SHARD V/O
As long as Lady Liberty stands, we
cannot fail

The Statue of Liberty cracks in half.

SHARD V/O
Oh crud. Oh wait, it’s meant to do
that.

The plaster pieces fall away, revealing a giant woman-robot.

Shard throws away a remote control

SHARD
Sorry, I did not know the reveal
button was so sensitive.

INT. LADY LIBERTY FRONTAL LOBE ATTACK CENTRE

The gang is admiring all the bells and whistles, while more
speil is happening.

SHARD
Now, I’ll let House tell you more,
as he is someone who has actually
fought a chemically ginanormasized
attacker.

HOUSE
Hi, thanks guys. The giant death
robot known as Lady Liberty, as you
may have learned in history class,
was gifted to America by the
French, as a thank-you for helping
to fight Godzila in 1998. I’m sure
they won’t mind us using it to
rough up the English.

JOHNSTON
Say what you want about the French,
and I say a heap, but they sure
know how to make a death machine.

HOUSE
We have a problem though. It is
based on the Japanesse model, so
it’s designed to be piloted Voltron
style, one person in each limb. We
need five warriors.

DICKBONE
We’ve got five. Me, You, Johnston,
Taipan…I guess, and Jameson.

TAIPAN
No, Jameson died on the way here,
remember?

DICKBONE
Oh right. Dammit!

JOHNSTON
What about the chief?

SHARD
I’m no good to you like this, my
little useless legs couldn’t reach
the peddles!

HOUSE
I was hoping you’d say that

JOHNSTON
You were hoping I’d say that?

HOUSE
Because, I have brought in another
expert on Japanesse warfare, a lady
piece of hot ass who is as
qualified as she is objectified,
the agent known as First Lady!

In comes in the lyrca-wearing blade weilding hornbag, and
Johnston’s thought dead wife!

JOHNSTON
Wife! I thought you were dead!

See?

FIRST LADY
Not dead, just enjoying my middle
age

JOHNSTON
Same thing

FIRST LADY
Enough chit chat long lost reunion
stuff, let’s kick so limey heinie!

They each high-5, and run to their prospective speed-tubes,
which puts each into a limb of Lady Liberty. She begins to
walk away hydraulically

TAIPAN
I guess you could say we’re…
sfx: the chorus of taking care of buisness plays

TAIPAN
Taking out the trash

DICKBONE
Why would we say that

TAIPAN
No, I just mean you COULD

JOHNSTON
Well don’t, I’ve already put on
Bachman Turner Overdrive.

HOUSE
Well then turn it up
sfx: You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet plays

FIRST LADY
It’s our wedding song! And our
divorce song!

The music rocks out as run off, destroying much of Manhatten

EXT. WASHINGTON DC DOWNTOWN. NIGHT
chyron: washington dc

Taft strolls into town, whistling a jaunty english tune, and
laying a giant bomb

He passes the lincoln memorial but…it’s not! It’s Lady
Libery in the shadows.

Lady Liberty kicks him, sending him flying.

TAFT
Johnston

JOHNSTON
Taft

TAFT
…no, King George. Whatever,
prepere to die!

JOHNSTON
I’m always prepared!

They fight, and fight, and lunge and punch and fight.
Although Lady Liberty has machinical buzzsaw fists, Taft
fights dirty, throwing sand in their mechical face, and wet
willies.

INT. ROBOT HEAD COCKPIT

Johnston is in the head, trying to avoid the big wet Taft
finger

JOHNSTON
God damn it,I don’t know how much
longer I can swivel the neck! Right
arm, my beloved, give him the old
three-stooges nyuk nyuk nyuk

INT. ROBOT RIGHT ARM COCKPIT

FIRST LADY
On it!

She swivels the controls

EXT. WASHINGTON DC DOWNTOWN. NIGHT

Lady Libery’s hand comes up, and does the whole up and down
mislead, then sticks two fingers in Taft’s eyes.

Taft doubles over in pain

INT. ROBOT LEFT LEG COCKPIT

HOUSE
I’m ready to kick him when he’d
down

INT. ROBOT RIGHT ARM COCKPIT

FIRST LADY
No, I got it! Tickle-torture!

INT. ROBOT HEAD COCKPIT

JOHNSTON
No dammit, it’s too risky!

EXT. WASHINGTON DC DOWNTOWN

Lady Liberty lunges, just as Taft has recovered and grabs
the Washington Monument, and stabs through hand about to
attack him.

INT. ROBOT HEAD COCKPIT

JOHNSTON
My wife! No! You bastard, she is
dead again!

EXT. WASHINGTON DC DOWNTOWN

Lady Liberity’s head goes crazy, trying to bite and head
butt while the rest of the body is trying to bring it in
line.

INT. ROBOT HEAD COCKPIT

SHARD
Team meeting, robot head, now

EXT. WASHINGTON DC DOWNTOWN

The whole body collapses into a heap.

Taft looks on, confused.

TAFT
Did I win?

He shrugs, and goes back to planting the bomb

INT. ROBOT HEAD COCKPIT

DICKBONE
You gotta move on man The amount of
my wives who have died, if you go
around blaming yourself as much as
the courts, you’ll never be able to
party again!

HOUSE
Remember the presidents motto: love
hard, rock harder.

JOHNSTON
You know what, you’re right! Yeah,
that perked me right up

HOUSE
Still though, we’re down one
pilot…

SHARD
I know what I must do

He slowly gets out of his wheel chair, falls forward, and
then slowly gets back up again

SHARD
I must overcome adversity, to
succeed in a time of need.

JOHNSTON
Let’s do this!

They all go down their command chutes

EXT. WASHINGTON DC DOWNTOWN

Lady Liberty get’s up again. Taft slowly turns around

INT. ROBOT VARIOUS PARTS COCKPITS

TAIPAN
Let’s do it for…for…umm..your
wife

FIRST LADY O/S
I’m not dead yet, bitch

It’s First Lady! She’s a ghost!

JOHNSTON
My precious sex fiend! You’re come
back…to kick ass!

FIRST LADY
I had some unfinished
buisness…you know, like ghosts
have. Let’s do it!

SHARD
Well, I guess I’ll just sit back
down

DICKBONE
Nah, you’re up already.

HOUSE
Do you think you can handle the hot
liquid cannon?

SHARD
This old dog has a few tricks yet

He gets into the elevator

SHARD
It’s time to get back into the
saddle, by getting into the penis

EXT. WASHINGTON DC DOWNTOWN

TAFT
Is it going to attack or…

The robot’s groin begins to grow, as its robot penis cannon
extends from Lady Liberty’s stone dress.

INT. ROBOT PENIS COCKPIT

Shard is in the rotating driving seat, and his fingers grip
the joystick, also shaped like a penis.

The cannon screen laser-locks onto the giant confused
looking Taft.

EXT. WASHINGTON DC DOWNTOWN

The robot fires onto Taft, who ducks and weaves between
goverment buidlings, but still gets hit.

He goes to his walky talky

TAFT
Underling! Sabotage them

Underling is on the ground, with a walky talky

UNDERLING
You know, you don’t need the radio,
I can hear you evrywhere.

He kick-starts his motercycle, and drives it right up to the
Lady Liberty. He uses a automatic door-clicker, and enters
through the foot.

INT. ROBOT LEFT LEG COCKPIT

HOUSE
My scanners say someone has entered
the left leg, they could attack us
from the inside

INT. ROBOT LEFT ARM COCKPIT

TAIPAN
I’m on it!

She rips to the elevator

EXT. WASHINGTON DC DOWNTOWN

The left arm now flaps about uselessly with no one to pilot
it.

INT. BOWELS OF THE ROBOT

Taipan comes blazing around the corner. Before her is
Underling, laying down explosives

UNDERLING
Oh bugger balls!

TAIPAN
Give it up turn-coat!

Underling speeds off on his bike, as Taipan shoots into the
metal around him

UNDERLING
Dammit!

She jumps on an emergency segueway, and takes off after him.

EXT. WASHINGTON DC DOWNTOWN

The two giants fight and fight. Side punchs, nose tweaks,
vast tracts of heritage listed buildings smashed as they
roll and toss and run through them.

INT. ROBOT HEAD COCKPIT

JOHNSTON
Now that’s what I call a…

Th whole place spins from being kicked

JOHNSTON
You stepped on my line, jerk!

INT. ROBOT TORSO

Underling is riding around the inside of beast, throwing lit
dynamite about. Taipan is following behind, catching most of
it but missing a bunch.

EXT. WASHINGTON DC DOWNTOWN

Explosions keep popping about Lady Liberity, as she breaks
Taft’s front teeth with her good arm

INT. ROBOT RIGHT LEG COCKPIT

DICKBONE
Taipan, we need you to control the
explosions

INT. ROBOT TORSO

Th two bikers are spinning and attacking each other rolling
around the belly like the ball of death

TAIPAN
Hey, I’m working on it

She keeps catching and putting out dynamite. It’s quite a
show. She see’s an exit sign

TAIPAN
Wait, guys, pepare to do a super
special quadruple hit!

JOHNSTON O/S
I give the orders here!

SHARD
Techically I do…

TAIPAN
I don’t have time to explain, just
do it!

She scoops up all the remaining dynamite, and takes off down
a tunnel

TAIPAN
Oih, underling. Got cha dynamite!

The underling makes an angry pursuit

EXT. WASHINGTON DC DOWNTOWN

Lady Liberity rips Big Ben out of the clock tower, and puts
it on Taft’s head. It rings and stuns him.

INT. ROBOT VARIOUS PARTS COCKPITS

JOHNSTON
Ok, Shard, abandon the penis, we
need you in the arm for the super
special quadruple hit! In order to
work, we need to punch from both
hands and both feet at the same
time!

DICKBONE
How do…you know what, I’m just
going to roll with it

JOHNSTON
Now this attack will leave us
vunerable to gravity and
embarressment. God I hope you know
what your doing Taipan

INT. ROBOT ANAL TUNNEL

Taipan is ahead, and strapping all the many many dynamites
to her bike.

She gets to the end of the lane, a gaping hole in the
machine’s prosterier.  She parks her bike, and gingerly
goes out on the edge.

EXT. WASHINGTON DC DOWNTOWN

Lady Liberty does a running start, in slow motion

JOHNSTON
That’s one bell

INT. ROBOT ANAL TUNNEL

Underling is speeding along the tunnel. It’s very dark, so
he lights a match to see the way. It clearly immediatly goes
out, so he get’s out his torch, and short-circuits it so it
catchs on fire.

Too late, he see’s the massive block of dynamite

EXT. WASHINGTON DC DOWNTOWN

Lady Liberity is flying through the air now, all limbs ready
to punch

JOHNSTON
And that’s two bells. Home time

Taipan hanglides to safty.

It looks like Lady Liberty is going to fall on her backside,
but then…
KABLAMO

Her arse explodes with all the dynamite, propelling her
upwards, and into Taft.

Taft goes flying into the Liberty Bell, which cracks even
more, breaking into a hundred little pieces.

Taft is defeated

INT. ROBOT VARIOUS PARTS COCKPITS

Everyone is cheering and hi-fiving themselves.

EXT. WASHINGTON DC DOWNTOWN
sfx: the theme from Babe

They all exit Lady Liberty, celebrating.

INT. LADY LIBERTY FRONTAL LOBE ATTACK CENTRE

HOUSE
Twas beauty killed the beast

JOHNSTON
He’s defeated! But wait, where is
his giant body?

Yeah, where IS the giant body

FIRST LADY (WEAKLY)
Johnston….

He turns, his beloved has been impaled on a kilometre tall
piece of rubble.

JOHNSTON
How did that happen?

FIRST LADY
I’m dying

JOHNSTON
What? No! Come back as a ghost!
I’ve already lost you twice!

FIRST LADY
I’m afraid … I must. There’s no..
such thing…as a double ghost. But
please…honor my dying wish
and….bang that chick…

She points to Taipan

JOHNSTON
I will,  for you

TAIPAN
You won’t.

Johnston brushes her eyes closed

FIRST LADY
Wait, I’m not done, open my eyes

He does

FIRST LADY
Also… kick some ass

She dies, and her ghostly body turns into an ice sculpture.
He lets her go, and she breaks off-screen

JOHNSTON
I must pilot the death
robot…alone

HOUSE
That would be very hard

JOHNSTON
I must!

DICKBONE
No, hang on, I saw his run just
over there

Johnston bolts off

DICKBONE
Did he see where I was pointing?

INT. OUTSIDE OF THE MEXICAN EMBASSY

Johnston comes running into the darkened corridors, under a
banner that says ‘MEXICAN EMBASSY’.

JOHNSTON
Very clever Taft. Coming to a place
we’re neither of us has diplomatic
immunity. Where we’re both just
equals, mano …on mano, like they
do on the streets of Montreal.

TAFT O/S
Well, I may have one last trick

The lights are thrown on, revealing it to be the Mexican
Hall of American Presidents. They look pretty shoddy

TAFT O/S
What are going to do? You can’t
punch them all

We see Taft sneak up behind Johnston, Kings Sceptre in hand.
He raises the sceptre, and brings it down hard on Johnstons
foam head

TAFT
Wait, what?

He rolls over the body. It’s anamatronic maniquin.

The real Johnston comes out of the shadows, with a gun

JOHNSTON
That’s right, you were fighting an
electronic mannquin ever since
England. It was the real part of
Operation: God Mode, to lead you to
this animatric trap. We got the
idea off your Dujo friend, whose
fame in the UK was out first tip of
who you are.

TAFT
Oh come on. Put the gun down,
presidents can’t get shot.

JOHNSTON
Oh the gun isn’t for you. It’s a
distraction

Out of the other shadows drops the REAL real Johnston, with
a roped flag, who wraps it around Shard

JOHNSTON
Hoisted on your own petard

He cuts a rope so Taft is hoised and strangled on a flag
pole

JOHNSTON
I used that expression right,
right?

The gang reveal themselves, digused as diffrent presidents.

SHARD
Who cares. Let’s go home. You’re
alright to clean up, right
celebrity impressionst.

FAKE JOHNSTON
I…sur….ok

They start to walk off. Johnston pushes over a statue of
Eisenhower.

JOHNSTON
Invite me to your birthday, jerkwad

EXT. WASHINGTON DC DOWNTOWN

They go back inside Lady Liberty, and begin walking off. She
kicks the bomb in the air

EXT. HOLLYWOOD, AS SEEN BY THE BIG SIGN

Two pony tail sunglasses kinda guys are having brunch

AGENT
I tell ya, it’s a great movie,
explosions, guns, girls

TALENT
How much they gonna pay me?

AGENT
Tad, that was the first thing I
asked…hey, what’s that

The huge bomb looms large in the sky, slamming into them
like an exploding meteor.

The whole damn town in destroyed

INT. PRIVATE AIRPLANE BRIEFING ROOM

Everyone is eating lollies and such

SHARD
A job well done, everyone. A job
well…

THE MASTER
Not so fast!

It’s the training master. He has a 6-barrelled gun pointed
at everyone.

DICKBONE
Does anyone know who that is?

THE MASTER
I lost all my fine warriors, I’m
ruined! I have to go back to office
job again! I will kill you all!

TAIPAN
But before you do, please, a dying
request. I want to make out with
Johnston

Everyone murmours ‘figures’ ‘called it’ ‘yep’.

TAIPAN
Kiss me like that kinda skank in
mexico

They lip-lock. Johnston’s eyes bolt open, when he realises
she is tracing letters in his mouth. G-R-E-N-A-D-E.

Their lips break, and in the process she pulls out a pin
with her teeth.

THE MASTER
Lucky bitch

TAIPAN
Oh, his kisses blow your mind

Johnston spits the GRENADE into The Master’s shocked mouth.
The Master’s head explodes.

HOUSE
Cool

EXT. OPEN SEA

A chopper hangs over absolutely nothing but ocean. Dickbone
and Johnston exchange one last bro-hug

DICKBONE
Well, this is me man. I can’t go
back to prison. I guess I’m not the
incarcerated in a hell hole for the
rest of your life kinda guy. Now
child killing, that’s something I
can do.

JOHNSTON
Are you sure we can’t take you
somewhere nicer? We’re going right
past four of the seven wonders of
the world.

DICKBONE
Nah man, LA’s just a 800 000 mile
swim that way.

JOHNSTON
It’s also, like, 1500 miles the
other way.

DICKBONE
Ha, I’ll miss that sense of humour
when I like die out here.

JOHNSTON
You served your country well. Here,
one for the road.

He hands him a cartoony can of spinach

DICKBONE
That’s Popeye. Popeye gets his
strength from spinach.

JOHNSTON
Oh really? Shoot, shoot I reckon I
was meant to recruit Popeye in the
first place.

DICKBONE
Stay cool, man. Maybe I’ll see…

He is pushed into the water, and the chopper takes off.

Inside the chopper, as we see the water turn chum-red as
sharks leap and gouge, Johnston taps on the pilots headset.

JOHNSTON
Hey, do you know Popyeye’s adress?
I reckon I should sent him a bottle
of wine or something.

EXT. AN ARTIC JUNGLE BEACH

Topless barmaids bring fruit drinks to holidaying families.
Johnston and Taipan are rolling over sandcastles, frenching.

JOHNSTON
So, you never told me where you
learnt to spell out letters with
your tongue?

TAIPAN
What can I say?

JOHNSTON
How you learned it

TAIPAN
I went through a phase in Canadian
college, or university. Our mascot
was the beaver. That phase then
stretched to performing in some
clubs in Columbia, and a
poorly-located club in the alps.

JOHNSTON
You know, if I knew you were hot I
never would have treated you so
poorly.

TAIPAN
Wow, turns out there’s a heart in
there after all.

JOHNSTON
To be fair, it has been stabbed
like a bunch. So, how about it?
Would you like to be my second
first lady?

TAIPAN
Are you sure married life will be
exciting enough for you?

JOHNSTON
Can I have affairs?

TAIPAN
I don’t see how I can stop you

JOHNSTON
The it’s all gravy, baby. Plus, I
have a sneaking feeling excitement
will find us

A hula lady comes running it

HULA
Help help, a child is drowning

The couple look at each with a glint, and they both pull out
two hands of weapons

HULA
What is that for..AAARGH

They fire shots wildly, and kick the hula girl in the face.
FREEZE FRAME on their guns a blazing, as the kick-ass theme
comes in
music: Apache Indian – Boom Shack-A-Lack.

Subtitle: Today, Lyden Johnston and Viper Taipan celebrate
over a decade of being divorced. They’ll probably kill each
other. But you’ll have to see in the sequel.