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The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, after a few drinks

23 Jul

Paget_holmes (1)

I worry for Sherlock

At first it was snuff and the odd visit to an opium den, the stuff of gentlemen. But since he began knocking back brandy and Monster energy drinks, I began to grow a shade worried.

He stood there in his signature deerstalker hat, without his signature deerstalker pants, speckled band on full display.

My dear Watson, what amiable mystery will present itself today?’ lilted Holmes, hacking flem into the sink. ‘No doubt something to do with that dreadful business at the embassy of Siam, judging by the tell-tale mud caked on your left galosh and cane’.

I was astounded, and pressed Holmes to explain his deductions, but he has already falling back asleep into his breakfast glass of last night’s champagne.


When Mr Holmes had once more risen and screamed at the birds for their fucking racket, we embarked by carriage to the embassy. Although my powers of observation and deduction were still nascent to such a mind, I had a hunch the journey would be hastened if we didn’t stop for frequent snacks and emesis, not always in that order.

‘Those of the orient call it a hot dog’

‘As do we, Holmes, can we please be away?’

‘I see by the markings on your tie…’

‘I have no tie’

‘…You are a Cheltenham man’

‘That’s a woman’s school. Also, that is a spaniel you’re reliving yourself upon’

‘I deduced as such’

‘Please Holmes, we must solve the Case of the Harlot Row Butcher’

‘Someone is offing women of the night? Then we too should check on the dancing girls’

‘Oh for the love of…we’re not going to the Naked Truth’


But alight at that hall of sweaty delights we did, and as I pecked at pub peanuts I wondered if Holmes had perhaps lost his touch. The bouncer certainly insisted he keep his hands off.

‘Watson old bean, can I borrow a few sterling. Say, a 20? You know I’m good for it’

Alas, I knew good well Mr Holmes was bad for it.

‘Please Holmes, enough with the strippers’

‘Hold your tongue: they are exotic dancers’

‘It’s hardly dancing though, is it? I implore you Holmes, there is a dire criminal at large, and you’re here regaling with some … upright cavorter’

‘Elementary my dear Watson. Her name is Elementary’


Mr Gerald Ford, from The American President documentary

2 Feb

The real story behind our presidents’ clone.

Celebs Then and Now: B*Witched, in the year 2081

8 Nov

You know them from such hits as Roller Coaster, C’est la Vie, Roller Coaster, and that is all.

But you won’t BELIEVE how much they’ve changed, many many decades later.

I guess they weren’t actual witches after all. I feel bad for that campaign I started.

Edele Lynch

Lindsay Armaou

Sinéad O’Carroll

Keavy Lynch

Official FBI Business, Ma’am

27 Oct


Agent West’s chase of the terrorist known only as The Victim spills out into the open streets of Brooklyn. The Victim laughs manically, as he escapes on the back of a motorcycle.

God dammit.

Agent West pulls out his badge and hails down a motorist.

“FBI, get out of the car, get out! Undo your seat belt, yeah…now get out. Give me the keys… the keys! Where is the immobilizer? I don’t drive a stick, get back in the car, get back in the car and drive me!”

Shock Hollywood Sex Scandal Headline!

18 Apr

An escort has alleged several Hollywood stars paid top dollar to sleep with him, and then hang out and play x-box afterwards, because they are all also his good friends and stuff. Gerald Sheck, 17, claims stars like Jennifer Lawrence, Amy Acker and a young Julia Roberts all wanted his body after they saw his profile on several fan sites, and liked him so much they often flew here to be with him, in case you were wondering why he didn’t miss any school that’s cleared that up then.

“It’s funny; just think of all those times boys at school called me a loser or Milhouse from The Simpsons, and in reality I was a super stud … I only hope this article makes them see the error in their ways, and maybe stop embarrassing themselves several times a day”.


A personal photo Gerald took of an unknown girlfriend. It was taken in Paris, which he owns. 

Mr Sheck says that he always protected the privacy of his clients by never been seen with them and only telling his friends and the guys from his Scout troup, but since he is making so much money as a secret skateboarding secret agent in secret he is going to quit the escort business, and release the many typed letters he got from them describing his love making in a medically accurate manner.

“It’s a shame, because once you go Sheck You Never Go Beck, but their hearts and lady bits (like the uterus and fallopian tubes and stuff I know about) will heal in time”

Representatives of any of these dozens of girls have failed to comment.


says Sheck

…tired from all the loving I deliver”.


10 May

Are you single? White? Brunette? Work at Cosmo coffee? Taller than that other brunette at Cosmo Coffee?

Well, golly, then sign up to today! Or whenever, it’s cool.

Is this you? Is it? Do you know her, then? Could you show her this ad? Don’t show her this photo. Unless…no, no don’t show her this photo.

Interested in hot friendship? We have one single in your area looking for romance..or maybe less. Whatever you can spare.

Searching for that man of your dreams? Do you have weird dreams? He’s had one, he’ll tell you all about it, several times over a month. Spoiler! You’re in it. Double spoiler! So’s Megatron. Original recipe spoiler! You’re Megatron.

Wanting to meet Mr Right? Willing to settle? Come on, he’s done it for you. He’s had offers*

So why not log on, create a profile. Or just call him? He’s allowed to answer calls now!

Maybe you could come to his solo show? No? OK, calling’s fine. Reverse the charges, it’s cool. e-mail? I…HE, not I…he’s got e-mail, yeah man! What are you after, ? ?

So what do you have to lose? Apart from that.

Or maybe you have a friend? Or whatever. Come on!

*offer void without presentation of alcohol and evidence of hell’s fire dropping to 32 degrees Fahrenheit or below 

Made in conjunction with R.S.V.P&P.O and Adam Peter Scott – “Nerd Alert” [PICF 2012]

100 to 1 Obscure Movie Scenes #31: Urban Heat II: Cold as Hell, Hot as Ice (2003)

16 Jan

(Frank (Charlton Heston, Deceased) comes home to confront his wife (Bonnie Hunt-LaBeouf) on her infidelity)

Frank: Marlene, you’ve been unfaithful

Marlene: A Merry Christmas to you too

Frank: Malerlene, the signs are all there. The toilet seats up…

Marlene: I’m getting good at aiming

Frank: ….what?? What about this half finished cake, you hate cake

Marlene: Happy birthday

Frank: It’s not my birthday

Marlene: It is now

Frank: …no…It’s…my present is half a piece of cake

Marlene: Happy birthday

Frank: I know about the other guy. There’s another car in the driveway

Marlene: Happy birthday!

Frank: There are two wet towels in the laundry

Marlene: Happy birthday

Frank: There’s a man in the cupboard

Marlene: Happy birthday

Frank: You don’t even have decent excuses

Marlene: I did, but then I got amnesia

Frank: Oh. Oh! Honey, is that why you forgot my birthday’s in March?

Marlene: No

Frank: Get out.

(Title: Urban Heat)

(The ‘II’ slams on the screen, with the sound of a chicken being crushed)

Frank:  How could she do this on my birthday? Marlene I mean. Cheat on me. Again. Damm this Urban Heat! Once more!