Archive | July, 2014

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, after a few drinks

23 Jul

Paget_holmes (1)

I worry for Sherlock

At first it was snuff and the odd visit to an opium den, the stuff of gentlemen. But since he began knocking back brandy and Monster energy drinks, I began to grow a shade worried.

He stood there in his signature deerstalker hat, without his signature deerstalker pants, speckled band on full display.

My dear Watson, what amiable mystery will present itself today?’ lilted Holmes, hacking flem into the sink. ‘No doubt something to do with that dreadful business at the embassy of Siam, judging by the tell-tale mud caked on your left galosh and cane’.

I was astounded, and pressed Holmes to explain his deductions, but he has already falling back asleep into his breakfast glass of last night’s champagne.


When Mr Holmes had once more risen and screamed at the birds for their fucking racket, we embarked by carriage to the embassy. Although my powers of observation and deduction were still nascent to such a mind, I had a hunch the journey would be hastened if we didn’t stop for frequent snacks and emesis, not always in that order.

‘Those of the orient call it a hot dog’

‘As do we, Holmes, can we please be away?’

‘I see by the markings on your tie…’

‘I have no tie’

‘…You are a Cheltenham man’

‘That’s a woman’s school. Also, that is a spaniel you’re reliving yourself upon’

‘I deduced as such’

‘Please Holmes, we must solve the Case of the Harlot Row Butcher’

‘Someone is offing women of the night? Then we too should check on the dancing girls’

‘Oh for the love of…we’re not going to the Naked Truth’


But alight at that hall of sweaty delights we did, and as I pecked at pub peanuts I wondered if Holmes had perhaps lost his touch. The bouncer certainly insisted he keep his hands off.

‘Watson old bean, can I borrow a few sterling. Say, a 20? You know I’m good for it’

Alas, I knew good well Mr Holmes was bad for it.

‘Please Holmes, enough with the strippers’

‘Hold your tongue: they are exotic dancers’

‘It’s hardly dancing though, is it? I implore you Holmes, there is a dire criminal at large, and you’re here regaling with some … upright cavorter’

‘Elementary my dear Watson. Her name is Elementary’