Last Words to Humanity

7 Feb

Dear Sir/Madam/whatever, no judgement here.

If you’re reading this, I am dead. Or asleep, I’ll decide later. Maybe I’m just out somewhere, you could just be having a snoop through my things. Maybe I’m out and also dead, and word just hasn’t reached you yet. All in all you’ve made the right decision to read this now.

Let’s work with the assumption I am dead.

Let’s also safely assume I died in some kick ass way, as is my daily prayer and my direct instructions in my will. Maybe I was crushed by all my gold records or my girlfriend’s boobs or a fish finger the size of a mattress or something, perhaps I held in a sneeze and the force hurdled me into space and burnt on God’s patio heater. Only time will tell.

I write this because it appears customary to with my dying breath utter some great truths about life, mostly what is and isn’t worth dedicating your life to. So I thought I might write all that up now, since old people always seem to be way off the mark. I mean, they think bedtime is 5pm and Wheel of Fortune is entertainment, they’re world is cuckoo banana’s. So, here we go. Ready or not. Any second now. Just around the corner. Now!

Baseball. The sport of kings who don't run a bunch.

Baseball. The sport of kings who don’t run a bunch.

Things worth dedicating your life to, in the great scheme of things

1.         Bongo drummer. Have you ever met an uncool guy doing that? Of course not. Bongo salesman have a very strict ‘no shirt no shoes no worries, brother’ policy. And the only thing cooler than wearing all the latest fashion is wearing as little as possible. Sidenote: white man dreadlocks. Who else could pull this look off, without a noisy drum to distract from them?

2.         Successful music career: not to be confused with the bongo drummer, who mostly survives on rain water collected in a completely empty busker’s hat. No, I’m talking real success, the kind of honking rich where not only can you buy anything you like, but you start buying things no one could like. Diamond fed dogs encased in purple gold. Caviar on a stick. Pools shaped like dicks. Dicks shaped like pools. A cowboy hat blessed by Larry Hagman and once owned by Gwyneth Paltrow, who killed a motorist for it. All the hockey pucks you can buy, which turns out to be literally all the hockey pucks. But that’s not even the best part. Its all about the music! As a successful musician, you’ll write such songs as Walk On By, When a Man Loves a Woman, Why a Man loves a Women, and Who a Man Loves (A Woman). Who knows, maybe your song will even be used in a breath mint ad.

3.         More time at the office. Offices get a bad rap, but as I never worked in one they look tops! Swivel chairs are always fun, getting coffee in every scene, and of course the office Christmas party where you get drunk and make out with the photocopier machine (or Kirsten Dunst, whose nickname is the photocopier machine…seriously girl, change your roles)

4.         Feed the poor.  Yes, I know on the surface this sounds terrible, and I agree with you. Next.

5.         Helping the needy: Now hang on, don’t bite my head off. No body said who he needy are. Or how you are helping them. Essentially, you are spending your life doing anything for any purpose.

6.         Save the planet: I don’t mean through planting trees and stuff, although a lot of people forget tasty fruit and possible money grew from them, so they’re not complete wastes of oxygen. No no, idiot, I mean save the planet through laser vision. Think of all the chicks you can freak out after you bone them! Up to 4, maybe, before word got around.

7.         Games tester: But what games, you may wonder. Board games? No. Video games? Nope. Reindeer games? War games? Fun and? Hang on, it was video games, you had it.

8.         Competitor to the shoe salesman: He’s had it too good for too long.

9.         Author: Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to be the biggest reader to be an author. Indeed, you don’t even have to have read your book if you type blindfolded. Cooking books have always been popular, fulfilling as they do our primal need to eat having seen pictures of better things to eat. The same goes for books about sex, although this is made more acceptable for the public by disguising it as ‘sex plus dangers’ i.e. vampires, ropes, or with a 1930’s gardener. Also popular are books about exercise, although I feel they would sell better if they fulfilled the third primal urge: flee. So I’ve written a series of running books where you are actually fleeing, from a vampire or 1930’s gardener.

10.        Heart doctor. No, wait, fart doctor! Yeah, fart doctor is funnier.

11.        Painting portraits of old egg cartons: Obviously, boring as hell. But remember, this is a lifetime. Eventually, people are going to start thinking there must be more to enjoy in it then first appears. Everyone starts doing it, and you are clearly the best old egg carton painter in the world, you are the peoples champion! Not that anyone would pay you.

12.        We all know thirteen is superstitious, so we better get it out of the way first

13.        There

14.        Number skipper: You’re a natural.

15.        Being 15. I mean, you get all the fun of adulthood without boring voting, driving or having sex. Awesome!

16.        Pizza King?  Is that a thing? Need to google

17.        Anyone who gets to wear a grey curly wig without being involved in the law.

18.        This is blank, in case I think of something good

19.        Be a bongo player again. That’s the great thing about bongo, whether your 19 or 53 and wearing a suit, bongo playing always looks cool.

20.        My favourite: Andy Murray. Just be him. You don’t need to play tennis or anything, the guy is loaded. Or you could play tennis, but as a rich guy, which must give anything that little extra zest.

Man, I hope I’m NOT dead now, these sound great!

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