Choose Your Own Adventure: Quest for King Shit of Fuck Mountain

20 Nov

They say when you almost die, your life flashes before your eyes. Luckily, I had a pen at the ready, and wrote down everything I saw in order to pad out my memoir “I Did It My Way: How to Crowbar Trite Pop Statements to Success!”.

Here is just a short snippet of that magnum opus, in the chapter entitled ‘Everything I Read Age 13, August 12th, 3:05pm-3:14pm’.

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Choose Your Own Adventure:

Quest for King Shit of Fuck Mountain

 

Chapter 1: Prologue

 

You are a brave and beloved knight of the realm of King Lionsmane, ruler of the Kingdom of Heltasia, Surveyor of…..knelt before to kiss his opal ring. You rise to hear a almighty crack, as half man half horse griffin like creature slithering into the hall.

What do you do?

Do you pull out your broadsword and fell the creature without remorse or question? Turn to page 3

Do you consider the humanity of…..

 

Page 3

You pull out your broadsword. Oooh, big fucking man. Does that make you feel tough, you….

 

Page 5

…the sphinx whispered, clutching the throat of the child. “So, what will it be”.

Is the answer to the riddle “Moses was never on the ark, it was Noah?” Turn to page 12

Is the answer to the riddle “Guh, I dunno, a hundred? Bazillion? Something like that?” Turn to page 19

 

Page 19

You have fallen in quicksand. My god, you are an idiot. Now you are trapped her fore….

 

Page 12

You nimbly cross the sinkhole like you nimbly nutted out that question. The child bows his oriental thanks, and escapes into the thicket. Before you is the gates to the kingdom

Are the gates open? Turn to page 14

Are the gates green? Turn to page 19

Are the gates more of a teal? Turn to page 19

Are the gates on fire? Turn to page 11

Are the gates made to hold out the gales of hell? Turn to page 11

Are the gates somewhere else? Turn to page 19

Are the gates of little interest to you? Turn to page 20

 

Page 20

The gates are interesting. You fall in quicksand

 

Page 11

The gates are not on fire. You fall in quicksand

 

Page 14

You enter the open gates, and there standing before you is a fair maiden, her her golden like the sun. But, what is the galactic period of said sun?

If you say (2.25–2.50)×108 a, turn to page 38

If you say (2.20–2.50)×108 a, just give up now.

 

Page 410

‘Stop’ said the goblin. ‘You must answer these questions 19”

 

Page 595

You are making out with a hefty maiden, friend of departed aloof maiden. You both are pickled with mead, and she is on her spring solstice from Ladies Bakery, so methinks perchance the night could be long. Her horse trots over, and nuzzles to join.

Do you push the stead away, preferably sharply in the dick region? Turn to page 603

Do you let the stead join, and make this a real party! Stay on this page

Do you want to know what’s with all the dicks in this book? Turn to page 769

 

Appendix 3

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental, and a pretty unlikely one at that. But wouldn’t that be something, eh, dragons and swords being real! I mean, swords are real, but I mean proper fuck off swords.

All rights copyright, 1978 (page 33)

All rights copyright, 1983 (page 33)

Some rights copyright, 2019 (page 3….

 

To use book furnace, place book in slot c, with furnace entry key placed perpendicular to slot b (a) and input tray 1, and refuge sluice ejected for imm….

 

Bin

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