Guest columnist today, it’s my very own dad. Thanks dad!
1. Keep conversations short. Don’t write anything, anything, down. A good lie is a vague lie
2. Name your kids identically, and preferably marry only one ethnicity (eg. Dutch). This is to avoid name slips.
3. Raise one side Jewish, so you can keep Christmas confined to the other. Raise the other to treat New Years is a sin against the lord.
4. Have a forgettable face. This will make you less recognizable, in case you are spotted. Remember: ugly also sticks out, and will make creating two families difficult in the first place.
5. Take up a heroin habit, even if you’re just a social user. This will provide good emergency excuses for chunks of time you ‘forget’, mood swings, disappearing for days on end, and ramblings about a second family in Donnybrook.
6. Have a job that travels. Don’t make the mistake I made, as a farmer, and have your families come to me. If you have to have two families living on the same street for example, make sure it’s an unfriendly neighborhood.
7. ‘Surprise visits’ are the devil. Say you have a weak heart and hate surprises, say you hate your children’s faces and need to prepare mentally before contact, whatever it takes.
8. Treat them sports teams, don’t let one be dominant over the other in abilities. Trade players if need be.
9. Start a third family, as a kind of a false trail to throw each off the scent.
10. Don’t make innocuous phrases into sly double-meaning jokes about having a secret family, then chuckle to yourself. A joke is only good when shared, and even if you explained it they won’t laugh right away.
11. If (to coin a phrase) either family finds out about the other, just pass it off as a prank. It will help if you’re being filmed by hidden cameras and shown on national TV. Although this may make to hard to keep your secret family a, well, family. Secret. Whatever. Same goes for writing a column; it’s a risky maneuver.
12. Everyone loves chocolate. This might seem off topic, but it can smooth over even the most revelatory of occasions.