Dog Bites Man’s Bullet

11 Mar

Oh no, the dogs died! How to square it with the kid.
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Oh no, the dogs died! How to square it with the kid.

1. Say he’s gone to live on a farm. Unless your farmers, then he’s gone to live on a different farm. A better farm. The kid can’t go.

2. Say he’s gone to live on an abattoir, for a while

3. Say the dog is playing dead, and he’s a method actor. Maybe a nice doggy Golden Globe could be made, out of liver.

4. “You didn’t feed him, Timmy, so he’s empty stomach become attractive to passing trucks”.

5. Secretly go to the petshop and replace it. Kids will love the ‘new’ Spot, and it’s fascinating feathers. It worked for the child’s brother.

6. Natural disasters cover tracks, and don’t have to be all that natural. Maybe pray real hard to God?

666. Or Satan.

7. Deny there ever was a dog. Or, if that seems cruel, deny you ever had a child.

8. Explain about the natural order of things, how life is a river ever flowing. Explain how you dumped the dog in the rover. Sorry, river, but nice pun.

9. Blame the Turks. This will create a lifelong hatred that may work in your favour.

10. Explain that ‘dog years’ are like seven of our human [?] years, and its getting creepy you hanging around with a 35 year old.

11. Explain that ‘dog death’ is exactly like our human death. The child may be thinking of a phoenix. The nine lives thing is cats. Or Daryl Somers. You may be thinking of Daryl Somers, statistically speaking.

12. Duh, blame the neighbours! Why didn’t I think of this before! Just run the dog over a bit and through its mangled corpse under the Jones’ parked Nissan Patrol.

13. Say the dog ran away. Leave a note confirming this. Say he joined the circus! Make sure it’s a French-Canadian circus, less likely they’ll be interested.

14. How do you feel about nougat? Yeah, I’m a bit iffy on it too.

15. Spoil the dog’s image. Spread some rumours about the dog’s shady past in the Kosovo Conflict. Maybe the dog caused nougat? It’s fine, the dog can’t dispel the gossip, its a dog! Dog’s are known liars! Oh, and its dead, that too. Wait, are you sure it’s dead, it could be a dog ruse?

16. Make a Franken-dog, made out of the parts of frakenfurters, which are called hotdogs, which are made from dead dog parts anyway!

17. Say the child’s mother is dead beforehand, it will soften the second blow. If the mothers already dead and you’ve been putting off telling him, perfect, but you’ll probably need to kill again. You could say the mother killed the dog, to make her death extra worthwhile. You could go to gaol, remember.

18. “The dog’s just resting it’s eyes. And lungs. Its blood is going for a walk on the hills of its head.”

19. If this is all just a big joke, now would be a good time to reveal the not-dead dog. Or the dead dog, depending on how far you want to take the joke.

20. Grenade fetch? Stunt Car chaser? Vegan toilet drinker? Shedding coat around a hair-trigger rifle? The excuse possibilities are four.


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