The Tales with Too Many Taglines

22 Jan

From the Pages of the Public Domain of Demons

The Crypt in Creative Common

Stories from Beyond the Intellectual Laws of Man

Hello, I’m Mason Stone, Hollywood caterer on Kingdom of Anarchy 2: Fall of the Hypocrites, and the tolerated CableCar Insurance ads.  And I have been tasked (with monetary rewards) to prologue this spine-straightening ‘spindle’, quote unquote, with this preface. Traditionally a preface is written by the author, but rumour has he died in undocumented circumstances, perhaps because of the evil contained in these sentences and perhaps because he lived 100 years ago, alone and unpublished. Going by the depravity and horror to follow no known rules of prose aesthetics, I’m not surprised. What is notable is the references in this story date the setting to around 1993. Coincidence, spooky predictions of the future, or just outright lies: you, the 2nd hand prices paying customer, decide.

I’m getting hammered.

Signed Mason Stone, (extraordinaire)

The rest, Philine Putfort (assistant to Mason Stone)

Chapter XXIX: Not Quite Porn

The Cursed Curse Cottage on Cursed Cul-De-Sac (or KillTheSack), St Curseflaps.

3 hours on the road, only punctured by 87 toilet breaks. The Everymon family had exhausted their knowledge of car games: toilet breaks, punch buggy, punch revengey, and shutting up.

Sadly, they had not exhausted each other, and the games were just about to begin their loop once more when the girl Dainty piped up about her brother.

Joey, as keen as I am to encourage the pursuit of literature, stop reading that tome of the occult!

Fine, take your stupid treasure of the ancients.

Joey hurtled that most grimier of Grimoires like a lower primate at the zoo throws his Dan Brown: not well, but with passion. The force of the air’s friction allowed in that split second the pages to rustle open to a particularly nasty chapter about house-blighting. The wind whistling passed whistled in such a varying pitch as to evoke the incantation as well.

Dad, Joey threw the book at me!

Well, he must be using you as an example to the other officers.

What?

I don’t know, it’s been a long car ride, let your ol’ dad overreach one lousy joke.

Joey looked up from his victory shuffle

Are we there yet?

If we were there, would we still be driving?

Actually honey, I think we just passed it. Said Mother.

The inside of the house was Victorian in design: imposing, cold, bitter, slightly eastern and obsessed with sport. Photos of every polo player you could name dotted the walls, as well as the one you can’t. Aside from that lone item, over each fireplace hung imposing portraits of all the previous owners (mostly of handlebar moustaches) leering down on the new inhabitants.  Did the eyes of that painting just move? No. What about that one? That’s a bowl of fruit.

Joey couldn’t be sure, but he felt those grapes were following him around the room.

The door creaked open

We’ll put some oil on that said Father, jaunty as a sailor.

A bat screeched out of the doorway

That too

He looked around the house and breathed in that old dust smell.

Hmm, the moving people haven’t brought out stuff yet. They’re still huddling by the mailbox, pointing a shaking finger at our house and paying in Spanish. Last time I hire Swedes. Statistically. Anyway, it looks like we’re going to have to sleep in the dusty jinxed linen already here. Your mum and I will take the master bedroom, Joey will take the broom cupboard.

Joey not happy Hey! See?

And Jen will take the hotel next door

Hey! Said Joey, That’s not fair! Jen will miss all the fun!

Yeah, can’t I share the cupboard with Joey? Agreed Jen.

No! And what’s more, it’s a 4 star hotel with breakfast and massage included!

I’ll be ages!  I hate this.

Said Dad It hates you too, sweetie.

Mum wasn’t listening It’s such a shame all our boxes are in the truck, which is in turn in a bigger box. Those boxes would have been perfect for storing stuff in.

Dad was trying to get his pinger out fo the power socket. Maybe the world just isn’t ready for your radical ideas.

Still, this place is great. When I found out I was inheriting this place, it made me glad my Aunt Claris had died from haunted house related injuries. She would have been freaked out by the place when we invited her round. Still,

Some time later, the plot began to kick in.

Hey, has anyone seen the cat? Because its one ugly sucker. Glowing eyes, omen of death, talks like James Earl Jones.

No, I would have remembered that.

Dad, the walls are bleeding the blood of the sinners!

The father creeped slowly towards the wall, and in fear touched the bleeding brick. He tasted his finer

Oh, it’s just ordinary blood! You can find it in any joke shop attendant.

I like the lamp here by the Maleficent Mirror of Misery. Nice colours, kinda twee but it suits the place.  Shame its faded on one side by the Mirrors hellborn fire.

I’ve seen a lot of things in my time: merfish, the monofaced man of the suburbs, and baseball, but by golly if this is the first house I could call a home without the neighbours suspecting my sexuality. What with the neighbours being dead of some biblical plague or another. I hope its rivers of blood; it’ll match the walls and my new bowling shirt.

Do you hear that?

The fridge?

No, the wails of rotting souls? How are we going to sleep? While under noise I suspect.

Hey! Mum thumped on the wall with a broom handle. Keep it down

Sorry said the wails. Mum let the broom fly away, and brushed her hands together at the job well done. Not my first wail of souls, you know. I come from Jersey.

I dunno mum, there’s an evil presence in this house. It’s probably the caretaker, Mrs Murderensleep. She has a gammy finger.

I hear her whole family was cursed with an instant slow death, brittling the bones, wrinkling the skin and making you like Grant Denver.

Later that night, maybe it was just the wind in the trees, but Joey swore he smelt smoke. Pretty big maybe.

Luckily, it turned out to be only a demon to tempt the weak towards evil as Joey slept.

They’re aaaaaall against you, Joey

All of them?

Yeeeeees

Dad does?

Yeeeees

Mum? Jen? The unmentioned twins?

Aaaaaall of them

My teachers? The Postman? The president?

Especially the president?

Why especially?

Because she…haaaates you

Why?

…something you diiiid?

But I don’t even vote

Who knows, presidents are weird.

Am I against me? I don’t feel against me

Look, even I’m getting against you now.  Just pick up the dam knife.

Which knife?

Which…the knife by your bed!

This knife?

That’s a comb, the knife, the knife!  How many knives do you have lying around?

I don’t know how I got even got one. Where is it again?

Its right there!

Outside, the crooked tree branch tapped on the window, pointing at the knife in a really obviously, cartoony way. Kinda like The Sorcerer’s apprentice, except pointing at a knife.

Joey was just about to kill his father when stepped on a housepig. His dad awoke with a start from his end.

Joey! What have I told you about playing with knives? They’re outside toys!  Sometimes I think I sent the wrong child back to the hospital

Joey thought now would be a good time for his tantrum-avoiding question

Hey dad, why is it you are soooooo lovely

No, not that one

Dad what’s….redrum?

Honestly, how stupid can you get! I’ve completely forgotten

Its a horse, dear

Only he’s standing outside my window, and he’s holding a gun!

Next week: Return of the Night Mare.

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