Urgent! Apologies!

12 Aug

Our occupation calculating program made an error. It has been smoothened out, now, however. What follows is the accurate version. We apologise for the inconvenience

At the beginning of 2004, a social experiment initiated by the combined forces of the grounds/science staff resulted in the year 10 students of that year being secretly (and borderline illegally) filmed, documented, analysed, cloned and psycho-analysed. This was done in addition to the “careers” surveys each student in the experiment filled out.   This information was combined to produce a “future lifestyle prediction”, and be revealed as a surprise at the 10 year re-union.   However, recent revamps of Australian educational-responsibility and post-negligence laws dictate that, to avoid closure of the school, we reveal a portion of the results of this test. So a sample of   students were chosen, at random, to have there results released early.   They are as follows…

CHRIS FARANO= Cherry-picker designer:   Such notable improvements you will make include fluffy dice and “if the crane aint a pickin’, don’t come a knicking”. Not especially clever, but you tried.

SAM GAZZONE= Drug baron: Complete with your own Columbian estate, vicious triad and a girlfriend called Franchesta. You will live the good life for about three years, before being either arrested and serving 20 years for obvious reasons, or being gunned down in a turf war.

RACHEL GORBERT= Parent clone: You will follow, with out a doubt or a shred of evidence,   in your father’s occupation. This is unavoidable. Plus, your legs will fall off. Just a heads up.

JESSE WRAY=A 525g box of Kellogg’s Corn-Flakes: We are not sure how or why, but by the year 2038, you have become a box of Corn Flakes. Do not be disheartened, though, as your carton will be made of 80% recycled material and your contents will contain such essential nutrients as Carbohydrates, Vitamin C, Iron, Folate, B1, B2 and Niacin. However, you will be sold on weight, not volume.

RACHEL CONROY =Candle stick maker: After trying out unfulfilling careers as a butcher, a baker and a passenger in a sea-bound tub, you will become one of the nation’s foremost candle-stick makers.

AUSTIN WARD=Lord of Heaven and Earth: In 7 years, after God fails to win enough votes in his electorate to run for another term as an independent, you will be victorious by a landslide and become the one true king, the immortal omniscient being who has infinite cosmic power of everything and everyone. During your eventual 3,276 year rein, many changes would have been made to this green Earth you preside over. For example, McDonalds will no longer serve fish products of any kind, it will be a mortal sin to ride your bike after dark, and Christmas will be moved to August the 8th, on a whim.

TROY FOSTER=Immigration sniffer dog: Your somewhat canine like appearance, orificial talents and unusual enthusiasm about being collared and pulled around on a lead will all aid you in your chosen vocation.

DANIELLE ARNTZEN=C-grade celebrity/ tabloid slut: You will become mildly- famous as a soapie star, before realising a sugary-pop-track that will reach an audience purely consisting of 12 year old girls. You will get drunk at a couple of show-business raves, say some stupid shit to a paparazzi reporter and before you know it you have boned every other C-grade celebrity in town, have been married and divorced   8 times in the period of 6 months and are currently living out of off-road motels,   having cocaine snorted off your surgically-ballooned naked breasts by the Catabrey Bulldogs rugby team and are about to go on ether celebrity Big-Brother, celebrity Survivor, celebrity Fear factor or rehab, take your pick.

DANIEL NEWMAN=Mormon: Clad in a grey suit, bicycle helmet, over-stocked ring fingers and a cheery expression, you will fill out your faith-spreading duties well. Of course, you will only be able to live in Utah, where everyone is a Mormon, so there is isn’t a lot of faith spreading to be down, but you will give it a red-hot go regardless.

LAUREN ROWE= Low-down, street-walking, gutter-mouthed crack-hor: Says it all really.

LEO DOWNSBOROUGH = Frequenter lover of women: Like such figures as Jackimoe Casanova, Serrano Deburdirac and Frank Sedgman before you, a lifetime of bed-hopping and globe-trotting is destined to be yours. Of course, until you get clept in twain vertically by a falling terracotta roof tile.   But up to that point, you are doing alright.

LUKE ROKICH= Your career is uncertain, however our studies have concluded you will become the first person to die from an overdose of Viagra. The details are sketchy, but we believe it involves you falling down the stairs and being fatally impaled on your swollen, concrete hard member.

EMMA SUTTON= Piano man: You will have bread put into your jar, play the same bar every nine o’clock on a Saturday, and listen to the woes of such regulars as Dave (whose still in the Navy), and a waitress practising politics. Also, you will be constantly asked “man, what are you doing here? Laaa laa laaa laala lala. Laaa laaa la laaaaaa”.

HAYLEY SCARI=Actor: However, you will be confined to playing two-bit extra roles in 8-millimeter pornographic movies. However, you do occasionally have a speaking part, but it is always just to dub over the non-English speaking actors later on, and even then its just stuff like “room service”, “my, that’s a big one” or “what are we going to do with all this rice-pudding”.

KARA SCHRYVER=Puppeteer: Your resume will include ‘Bambaloo’, ‘Bear in the Big Blue house’ and ‘The Muppets do Deep Throat’.

CASSANDRA GILES= Mime Artist: Mostly street-performing, but you also do impressions. Of other mime artists. You tragically lost your life when you got trapped in and eventually suffocated within a glass box, and nobody noticed.

LAURA MELDRUM: You will become one of the key women’s basketball players in the world, standing it at 9 feet 11 inches and making more then $130 000 a year for paying with the Vancouver Catfights.

AARON JOHNSON= Pool-cleaner: Not the stereotypical, soft-porn kind, but an actual pool cleaner.

NAOMI ANNEN= Real-Estate agent: Not funny, but true.

STACIE CARLESS= Drug-Mule: You know what this entails. You smuggle drugs over borders by sticking it up your, um, “hidey-hole”. You may want to refer to “Sam” for more information.

RENEE PHILLIPS= Wino: Three words: Street, Beg, Booze”. That is all you need to know for the rest of your depressingly long, and flea-ridden, life.

ELIZABETH HARRISON= Barbeque enthusiast: With a collection of over 300 rare and iconic specimens by your 40th birthday, you will be the democratically elected president of the Australian branch of Barbeque Lovers International. Channel 31 would have done a half-hour special on you, and you will be a very happy person. And loveless and kinda a loser, but still, you will always have your rudimentary cooking appliances. Of course, you wouldn’t be able to light them because by the year 2015, all outdoor fires have been outlawed. You might want to take it up with Dean, out surrogate father in heaven.

ELISE TOLCHER= Brisbane Youth Aid Worker: Yes, it is true. Our data indicates that in the near future such countries such as Somalia and Ethiopia will make a full recovery, and even become major players on the global market. However, many cities will be morbidly affected by this change in wealth distribution, and Brisbane especially will become and rancid, crime-ridden, backwater hell hole.

LISA NICHOLAS= Diseased: You will contract a nasty bout of yellow fever during one of your young adult indiscretions, and die soon afterwards. No time for a career, I’m afraid.

MARTINE PASSMORE= You will become a wealthy business entrepreneur, earning over 16 million dollars in personal wealth by your 25th birthday. By thirty, you will have three stately homes in two different continents, several transport of your choosing and a winner of Australian of the Year. To cap it all off, your name will go down in history books as one of the greatest people to ever live. Futures looking bright, isn’t it.

JESSICA LEWIS: Your actual occupation is hazy, but in the near future you would have opted for extensive cosmetic surgery (which has greatly improved in these years) to become the spitting image of Alexander Downer.

ASHLEY TEMPLE: You, as the front person for American indie grudge/thrash metal outfit The Rapists, will usher in a new age of loud noise, potty mouth and black clothes. Plus, you would have been incarcerated several times for arson and disturbing the peace and you will have been disowned by your parents.

This concludes the sample test results. For those not included in the sample, but are anxious to discover there inevitable occupation, we can give you some rough guide.   Most of those listed above fell into one of three occupations.
1. If your first name and last name start with a vowel, you are likely to be an office jockey, where you ride miniature ponies throughout office cubicles for spare change.
2. If your first name and last name start with a consonant, you are likely to be a factory worker in one of Australians many sardine and avocado dip packaging plants.
3. If your first name starts with a constant, and your last a vowel (or vice versa) you are likely to become fatally mutilated during the great lawn bowls/ cyclone Irene diaster of 2008, which killed off about a third of the world’s population. You can thank Austin for that.

P.S: As a return of a favour to the school, could you please distribute this release thoroughly amongst the community ESP those it mentions, to add weight to our defence if a civil case against us was to emerge.

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