Court Etiquette

12 Aug

As you know, courts have been one of the top twelve places for criminals to take a break and catch up on old times with corrupt judges. From the Latin word Courtex, meaning to leer menacingly at raspberry & applenut swirl ice-cream, Courts were first introduced in Australia during the aftermath of the Boxer rebellion in 1997, even through lawyers had been around since the mid 80’s (of course, they were called Rumperlers back then, and their job purely consisted of teaching 1.5 kilo containers of potato salad to hula hoop). Regardless of their easy going reputation, however, the judicial courts of this fair monarchy are still sticklers for rules, regulations and, surprisingly enough, laws. Such sticklers are they of little hair, that whence a class of political and legal students, of which I belong, chanced upon this quant establishment during the course of our extracurricular excursion, all in a jolt an aluminium-coated copy of said rules were thrusted into our outstretched wings by a rather tall gentleman that may or may not have had more than one arm. What read, over three sides of 1m by 1m paper, was fairly uneventful (mostly laws about not being able to kill others in cold blood with ice picks and that sort of thing). But most to my glee, under the sub heading of “Courtroom etiquette for dummies”, and amongst the usuals of “don’t run on the stairs” and the like, I found some real obscure ones. So, for your offal-eating pleasure I have reproduced my favourites for you to read and read and read and feed upon and rewrite and read over and over again. Enjoy with a smile in your heart.

(Note “…” stands for “after boring information, there was written”)

…Subsection B): When taking a tour of the building, do not;

B21:  Walk around the foyer wearing nothing but cabbages on your hands

B85: Vividly act in the manner of the cartoon persona Road Runner.

B86:  Vividly act in the manner of any other Warner Brothers cartoon character, unless no longer protected under copy-write law at the time of your impersonation.

B341: Stage a coup within the confines of the court building, unless with strict written permission from the National Litigations Parol Board of Australia.

B2039: Hire classical French mimes to infiltrate the building, pretending to be and/or mimicking judicial personal.

B2300: Placing large amounts of European fauna in any number of the lifts.

B2301: Simalerly, filling the lifts with dung (human or otherwise), marbles or large amounts of liquid/ semi-liquid desserts eg custard, jelly (unless Aerosol Jelly, proud sponsors of the West Australian judicial system), whipped/ clotted /fat free/ Ice/ shaving /“S” cream, yogurt, hot beverages or banana fritter. Dry and shape-keeping, or individually wrapped desserts will be treated with less distaste, but is still strongly discouraged.

B9152773: Calling lawyers “Rumperlers”, a term made up by an anonymous and deviously handsome adolescent as a practical joke.

B18327223: Finally, bring up that whole Chappell Corby fiasco.


…Subsection E): If at any time you are called as a witness, remember not to…

E12: Ask whether the juge and/or barrister are wearing any thing under their robes

E71: Refer to the judge as a Holy Roller

E342: Yodel every statement you make, including the Oath.


Subsection TTR): While it is not recommended that you play any tune, on any instrument at any time during court proceedings, it is considered especially rude if you…

TTR1:  Play the Jaws theme on a cello while the judge enters the room.

TTR2: Play the Darth Vader theme while the judge enters the room.

TTR3: In the middle of the judges closing address, playing “the last post”, not least of all because few people would have the guts to speak and interrupt you because of its remembrance significance.

TTR4: Play the bagpipes at ant time, especially if you have never taken any lessons.

TTR5: Precede the jury’s final verdict with a drum roll.


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