Vodka Martini, hold the teeny

27 Jul

(at swank bar, a smoothie saddles up to a hottie)
Smooth (to barman): LeSaab
(Women runs him down with her eyes)
Smooth (to barman): Two LeSaabs.
(woman turns to him )
Smooth: Eight LeSaabs
(barman looks a little concerned)
Smooth: And a scotch.
Woman: Drinking alone?
Smooth: Well, that depends. Do you like….LeSaab
Woman: Of course
Smooth: Eight additional LeSaabs
(woman looks concerned now)
Smooth: And a LeSaag for the lady
Woman: Government spy, I presume?
Smooth: What gave me away?
Woman: A public boy always holds himself to the…
Smooth: Another LeSaab
Barman: You haven’t finished those….
Smooth: What are you, a LeSaab expert?
Barman: I am a barman
Smooth: Just leave the bottle
Woman: It’s about these nuclear plans
Barman: It’s on tap
Smooth: Well then leave the tap, and give me another LeSaab
Woman: I better go
Smooth: Can I have your drink?
Woman: I’ll be naked in your hotel bed. Bring a gun
Smooth: Don’t start the mini-bar without me! (To barman) LeSaab
(barman shakes head)
Smooth: Little LeSaab? LeSaab Light? Fine! I’ll take my business elsewhere!
(He finishes off his drink. Then must finish the next. And the next)
Smooth: Leave me to drink in peace!
(barman as to walk away. The corner of the bar is as far as he can go. He shields his eyes)

Later

(A vast impressive military room)
Director: As you can see, the Baldness-Ray is completely misnamed. It doesn’t cause, or treat, or in any way resemble baldness.
Agent Greed: Why is that, director?
Director: I’m sorry, that’s classified
Agent Greed: But I’m level 38. That’s the highest.
Director: I’m sorry; we go at least to 45 now.
Agent Greed: I wish they would say 1 is the most classified and work down from there. I don’t know what to aim for
Director: Because that’s classified. 38 does buy you a clue…..it’s something beginning with…C
Agent Greed: ….is it classified?
Director: Correct, have a level.
Agent Greed: Only 6 more to go
(Gets note)
Director: 11
Agent Greed: Dammit
(Smooth enters, hung over)
Smooth: No no, go ahead, start without me. I’ve had a rough night. That’s Russian agent is deadly, when I threw up on her dress she went ape.
Director: Ah, please sit Mr Smooth
Smooth: Could I have a LeSaab, barkeep?
Agent Greed: I’m an agent too
Smooth: But not level 47…chop chop
Director: He’s had enough, Agent Greed
Agent Greed: I wasn’t going!
Director: We’ve had you under surveillance Smooth, and we’re not happy.
(Screen reviews surveillance)
Smooth: We’re do they get the money for all this?
Agent Greed: Rich uncle.
Director: The newspapers say ‘009 blow 0.28’, ‘spy drunk’ not so much of a pun there…we don’t like it. I won’t see another operative pee on the Moustache memorial statue at 2am in the morning pm. Agent Smooth, you’re on probation.
Smooth: That’s sad news. I think I need a drink.
Director: Dammit Agent Greed, get him a Le Saab will you.
Agent Greed: I have a license to kill, you know. And a bar license, but that’s mostly for under-cover…
Director: You know, this why you’ll never make level 81
End

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